(Originally compiled by David Crick, and reproduced with his kind permission here.)
AUSTRALIA
“The track temperature is at 32 degrees celsius already and it’s climbing like a mountain face at the moment.” rtm@onaustralia.com.au
“[Ralf Schumacher’s] been in every gravel trap there is, more or less, this morning. It looked like he wanted to go to the beach all day.” rtm@onaustralia.com.au
“It’s like the first day back at school.” (referring to the number of driver errors made during the first race of the season)
“They should have had a more experienced driver in that Jordan.” (referring to of course the fact that Jordan passed up the option of having Martin drive for them and went for youth over experience)
“Well I hope he’s got his fuel card with him he could buy some more. If I was him I would get out of the car and head straight to the airport I would not want to come back to the pits!” (Alesi fails to acknowledge the pit-boards telling him to come in and runs out of fuel) pidge@atcon.com
“He’s all over the back of Schumacher like a bad suit.” rgc2@york.ac.uk
“Superman couldn’t keep that pointing in the right direction.”
“There’s more grip on the black than on the green.”
“What Frentzen needs to figure out is that he’s a good 10 seconds faster than that Lola, so he needs to give it plenty of space!” (He was wrong. They were 15 seconds slower!)
BRAZIL
“The best way to get away is like Grandma leaving Tesco’s: just drive off.” (referring to the start) rokettat@fhs.csu.McMaster.CA
“The most important bit of the car is the nut holding the steering wheel.”
“I assure you Murray, as we enter the pit-lane we think ‘I hope Murray isn’t talking about me now.'”
“Hakkinen appears to have his car underneath him.”
“That strap on Hakkinen’s shoulder has been holding his head on all race.”
ARGENTINA
“If they keep this up, the only one who will finish will be the clown driving the pace car.” mtfung@unixg.ubc.cagt
“They’re going to crash into one another if they…” (sure enough, Alesi and Hill touch, cutting off his sentence) mtfung@unixg.ubc.cagt
“Wakey wakey Gerhard, it’s a bit late now.” (Berger sets fastest lap right near the end of the race) pidge@atcon.com
SAN MARINO
“The Germans have put their towels on the front row.” (Schumacher and Frentzen head the time sheets in qualifying)
“There’s something wrong with the back end of Berger’s car.” (the Benetton suddenly comes into shot backwards) steve@discreet.co.uk
“Pedro will get a wake-up call when the leaders go through.”
“Larini has missed the corner and is going to have to go down the pit-lane and pretend nothing happened!”
“… give a little wave as you go through.” (Larini does it again)
MONACO
“Look for the doorman’s eyes at Lowes Hotel.”
“Eddie Jordan there talking to… the Peugeot boss saying ‘Can I have your engine next year please?'”
“It’s like a Morris Minor with 750 horse power.” (referring to the handling in the wet conditions)
“Heinz has tried 57 varieties of getting around the track, and now he’s coming into the pits.” (referring to Frentzen’s performance)
“Sometimes Grand Prix drivers look absolutely awesome and sometimes they look like they couldn’t even drive sheep. And today is a sheep day.”
“Frank Williams is saying ‘Drop it into the harbour, don’t even bother bringing it back to me.'”
“Ralph’s not very happy, Fisichella’s been blowing him off all weekend.”
Murray (referring to Damon’s run of bad luck): “Is he not going to get desperately down-hearted?”
Martin: “Well, he seems to be keeping his pecker up.” racefan@ottawa.net
“No, don’t do that.” (one of the drivers misses his braking point going into the new swimming pool complex but instead of cutting across the lowered kerbs goes over the raised one, damaging the car).
“Cars have failed Murray, especially when you talk about them.”
SPAIN
“Good job you’ve had those hips done Murray.” (Murray promises to run around the circuit if neither of the Williams gets pole)
“Long pit-straight here… not much to do… under the bridge, read the Financial Times and eat your sandwiches.” … “Turn 10… your heart says brake, your head says please don’t.” … “Check your pit-board, it’s a long straight ahead – get that sandwich box out again.” (extracts from Martin’s guide to a lap of the track)
“I asked Berger on the way up here if he could go any faster but he was more interested in talking to my daughter, as Gerhard would!”
“There seem to be as many cars going down the pit-lane as down the pit-straight.” (high tyre wear causes multiple pit-stops)
“He laid two big darkies on that corner.” (referring to Johnny Herbert locking up his brakes and leaving black skid marks) Foxy_Lady@msn.com
CANADA
Martin was not at Canada.
FRANCE
“You can pass anywhere in the world if you’re rude enough and determined enough.”
“Villeneuve changed his hair colour maybe to go incognito after calling the other drivers wussies when talking about Panis’ broken legs; what’s next – blue contact lenses?”
“I think you’re even faster than Schumacher there Murray because you’re a couple of corners ahead of him.”
“Ambition gets ahead of adhesion in this weather.”
“Little Bar-B-Q there but that’s no problem they can put it out” (the camera is showing a shot of the back of Marques’ car on fire)
“They’ll get away with it if Schumacher doesn’t put in into the scenery… which he does!” (Michael stays out on slicks in the wet)
“That’s not a passing place. Not enough room. You need the full width of the track at virtually every corner around the Magny Cours circuit.” (Villeneuve slips past Ralf Schumacher, proving Brundle’s earlier point that if you’re rude enough…) slaw@extro.ucc.su.oz.au
“And that couldn’t be Wurz for Alesi.” (The Austrian exits the pit behind Jean)
UNITED KINGDOM
“Ralf Schumacher had the fastest time… at Happy Hour – 5 O’Clock on Test Day”
“I’ve sat at the table with Damon and Tom and while you wouldn’t exactly call it a love affair, both of them want the same thing.”
“You’re not going to ask us to count to a thousandth with you are you Murray?”
“I don’t know what the German is for ‘Oh what a pity’ but I bet Frenzten is saying it now” (Villeneuve grabs pole in the dying stages)
“Barrichello in… set of new boots, lots of gas; ‘bye bye see you later’.”
“[Fisichella] had to correct, now he’s headed in the wrong direction towards Northampton.”
“First out of the taxi, last into the bar.” (Describing Michael Schumacher’s alleged “carefulness with money”) richard@manor.york.ac.uk
GERMANY
“… going into a cul-de-sac with only Schumacher fans there to save you.”
“Most of the fans wearing Michael Schumacher Dekra hats, contributing to his pension fund.”
“If Sid Watkins had carried on he would have had a good chance of winning this race with all the drop-outs.”
“I’m not used to going around smelling second-hand overalls, Murray.”
“It’s good for me Murray because it means 38 year old Grand Prix drivers are back in fashion.” (talking about Berger’s win)
“Perhaps the Yamaha Donkey isn’t that bad after all.” (Hill passes Herbert)
“This engine is too young to smoke, don’t you think Murray?” (one of the Stewart’s engines expire)
HUNGARY
“I’ve got a note here which I’m supposed to read which says ‘Benetton are the best test team in the world’.” (Martin had been shaking down their cars)
“[Damon] looks calmer than you Murray.” (Murray gets over-excited as Damon leads the race)
“I can’t remember the last time Schumacher was a moving chicane.”
“Damon Hill in for fresh tyres and a little drink for the engine.”
“If I was McLaren I’d have that car in the pits now, but then what do I know?”
“Fissy is on the harder tyres and Michael’s got his mirrors full of very bright yellow Jordan.” bpenman@gil.com.au
“He lost the back end of the car, then the engine and now he has to walk back to the pits and tell Eddie Jordan all about it.” (Fisichella spins trying to pass Schumacher) bpenman@gil.com.au
“When David Coulthard falls off to sleep this evening, he’s going to have a picture of the gear box and rear wing of that Williams in front of him.” (Coulthard follows Villeneuve) bpenman@gil.com.au
(Louise Goodman has just reported that Damon Hill was on the radio with Tom Walkinshaw)
Murray: “How do they do that, Martin? How does a man talk calmly and especially to his team boss, when Damon in the situation he’s in?”
Martin: “Well, you press a little button on the steering wheel and start talking, Murray. There’s a little speaker in the front of your crash helmet…” shanikah@mggs.vic.edu.au
“These things take off like a scalded cat.” bfenton@utias.utoronto.ca
“It’s Villeneuve, the young man from Ontario, Canada…..no excuse me, that’s Quebec, Canada.”
“All the people in Quebec and Canada will be proud and respectively waving their maple leaves.”
(Villeneuve passes Damon on the final lap after the Englishman has a technical problem)
BELGIUM
“Hakkinen with 3 wheels on his wagon after a suspension failure.”
“Verstappen’s quite capable of going off on two consequtive laps.” (commenting after Murray gets excited over a replay)
“Why is it hotter in this commentary box than in the racing cars?”
“[Schumacher’s] getting old Murray – he’s got two beads of sweat on him.”
“It’s hero or zero time.” (Alesi is the first to switch to slicks) Peter_McMullen@dse.vic.gov.au
“The problem with Ralph is that he thinks he is Michael…” Peter_McMullen@dse.vic.gov.au
ITALY
“His very famous chin-line will be as low to the ground as possible.” (Martin considers the lengths Michael Schumacher will go to in order to improve his speed around the fast Monza circuit)
“There’s Niki Lauda, his face tells the story – not quick enough this time.” (Schuey’s chin obviously wasn’t helping…)
“A wicked weekend for Mika at Spa, and he’s clearly looking to make up for it here.” (Hakkinen was disqualified from 3rd due to fuel irregularities).
“Plenty of time on the straights to look around you and see what’s going on.”
“Trulli’s had an awful weekend – he’s either been off the road or pointing in the wrong direction.”
“If you’re wondering where Johnny Herbert is, he’s having a little talk with the wall.”
“The engine sounds quiet on that one.” (Verstappen’s car dies in the pits)
“Frentzen can smell that nice new shampoo that Alesi sells on TV all over Europe as he closes right up to the back of him.”
“I guess if your name is Schumacher, you can talk cobblers.” (Ralf blames his shunt with Herbert on the Sauber driver)
“[Schumacher] won’t talk to me because he’s a bit tweaky.” (The German feels the disappointment of the Tifosi as he stands on the grid) spookyuki@dial.pipex.com
“I’ll have to be rude and barge through.” (also on the grid, trying to get to Pole-sitter Alesi) spookyuki@dial.pipex.com
“Racing drivers will go ten to the dozen to get a good start.” (meaning nineteen to the dozen and undervaluing their efforts – Murray’s obviously beginning to rub off on him…) gap@ansto.gov.au
AUSTRIA
“Travelling through the countryside towards turn two…”
“The most demanding corner is the one out of the pit-lane.”
“[The Benetton] looks a bit like a Christmas tree this year with all the sponsors on it.”
“Earlier in the season we’ve seen Frentzen go wobbly at this point.” (when under pressure)
“Trulli will be about as popular as a wet Monday morning for [laying oil all over the track and pit-lane].”
“Johnny going backwards towards the hedge. Switch it off, you won’t get anywhere.”
“If there was a film about Heinz-Harald Frentzen this season it would have been in the horror category.”
“Both Stewarts are in front of both Williams – that’s something to say isn’t it?”
“It’s easier to chase than to be chased.”
“Michael Schumacher can see two World Championship points in his brother’s hand just down the road.”
“If Schumacher wins the Championship by 1 point he’ll have Damon to thank for it.” (after Michael’s last lap lunge)
“I don’t quite know the German for that one.” (Frentzen gives his famous Finger to Berger)
“Oh, I didn’t know that we needed lane markings and a sign saying ‘Do not overtake in this lane.'” (in response to Jean Alesi’s bitter tirade against Eddie Irvine, saying he was “reud” to overtake and thereby cause Alesi to lose control of his car) supark@net-link.net
“Here’s the replay, Alesi comes together with Irvine.” (the Benetton goes flying over the Ferrari)
“Up, up, Weeeeee!” (Alesi then crashes down heavily) “That’s a big accident!”
LUXEMBOURG
“The pit-lane’s best-dressed man James Allen has some news for us.”
Murray: “What’s with all those sensors Martin?”
Martin: “The cars wouldn’t work without them Murray.”
“I for one won’t be shedding many tears at [Flavio Briatore’s] leaving.”
“Michael’s very lucky not to be wearing the left rear Goodyear of that Jordan.” (Fisichella and Ralf collide, sending the German’s Jordan airborne and into his brother’s car)
“I somehow knew it wouldn’t be his fault, didn’t you?” (on Ralf’s explanation of the above incident)
“Not very special? He took out his team-mate, his brother, and himself. I’d say that’s about as special as it gets.” (again referring to Ralf, when he said that the three way collision was a run-of-the mill racing accident). dattad@cuug.ab.ca
“You can’t say that Murray – remember that Porsche race we watched this-morning : you said watch car 45 and the next lap his rear wheel fell off.” (Murray talks prematurely of Hakkinen winning, and sure enough the Finn retires with an engine failure)
“Verstappen getting a bit rude with Gerhard Berger too.” (Jos is a little uncooperative with the cars trying to lap him)
“It takes a special effort to get into that gravel trap.” (Verstappen repays his karmic debt by landing in the kitty-litter)
“I often think it would be a laugh to go down the pit-lane as a winner because it’s still effectively crossing the start-finish line – that would surprise a few people.”
“Murray, I told you you shouldn’t have said anything about him.” (Hakkinen)
“Two weeks is a long time in politics they say; well it’s true for Formula 1 as well.”
“He’s lost that engine – that’ll become a coffee table because there’s nothing else you can do with it.” (Coulthard too retires with an engine failure)
“Villeneuve has reversed into a few wins this year.” gap@ansto.gov.au
“It rattles the fillings in your teeth when you go over those sawtooth curbs.” gap@ansto.gov.au
JAPAN
“I drove my last Grand Prix at this magnificent track although I didn’t know it at the time.”
“Gerhard’s tall and lanky, Alesi’s short and wide so the Benny boys have a lot of work to do.” (in changing the spare car from Berger’s setup to Jean’s)
“If you didn’t have a crash-helmet on you’d be scratching your head Murray.” (Villeneuve drives a totally committed lap but the time just isn’t there)
“I hope that car starts Michael because you’re cutting this one very very fine my friend.”
“Villeneuve moved across, said ‘I’m going to put some manners on you at the start.'”
“I don’t think Michael Schumacher will have enjoyed it anymore than Senna did.” (Irvine passes Hakkinen and Michael at the same point that he passed Ayrton in 1993)
“I don’t care – I’ll go down the outside then if that’s your problem.” (Eddie passes Jacques)
“Is this the first time Irvine’s lead a Grand Prix?”
“I hope that’s not Katayama dropping out of his final home Grand Prix.” (sadly it was)
“Was Villeneuve asleep in those first few laps?”
“This is going to be a bit of synchronised swimming here.” (Irvine slows to allow Michael past but not Jacques)
“I’d like to see a shot of Frank Williams right now.”
“Does that mean I have to cancel my hotel in Madrid?” (in reaction to Murray’s confusion over the destination of the final race)
“I’m intrigued to know how Mika Salo made it to that particular piece of race-track.”
“I can’t imagine Eddie Irvine has a dirty visor because he hasn’t been following anybody so I just hope that tear-off didn’t go into the radiator ducts of the Williams that was following very closely behind.”
EUROPE
“Your lungs hit the back of your rib-cage… a double left-hander wrenching your neck off.”
“Weight is God in a Formula 1 car.”
“That maths exam came in quite useful in the old days then Murray.” (Murray considers resorting to manual timing after the electronic system fails)
“I hate it when they name silly little curves after the great Ayrton Senna.”
“Alesi seems to have completely lost his head.”
“They’ll be putting out those famous waved yellows again.” (Ralf Schumacher spins)
“Don’t lock the wheels… he did lock the wheels!” (Hakkinen)
“Just behind [Michael] is Frentzen, Villeneuve’s rear-gunner.”
“In the blue corner you’ve got goldielocks, in the red corner you’ve got golden gonads himself.”
“He’s just squeezing that throttle as he comes out of the hairpins as if there was an egg underneath the pedal.” (Michael conserves his tyres)
“I can’t see the race-track every time the leaders come past because the whole grandstand stands up; they’re all wearing red hats and red T-shirts to see Michael Schumacher come past.”
“It’s going to cost Michael a second if Marques is even half-awake.”
“Villeneuve’s saying ‘Look, here I am, let’s go and play.'” shanikah@mggs.vic.edu.au
Murray: “Case of champagne from Ferrari to Sauber for Noberto Fontana, because the Argentinian newcomer up from Formula Three really, really helped Michael Schumacher on his way there.”
Martin: “What engine have they got in that Sauber, Murray?”
Murray: “Er….”
Martin: “Isn’t it a Ferrari?!”
Murray: “Martin, you are a cynical chap!”
“There’s Fisichella’s Ferrari drive gone for a burton, Murray.” (Giancarlo fails to delay Villeneuve)
“That didn’t work. That didn’t work Michael. You hit the wrong part of him my friend. I don’t think that will cause Villeneuve a problem.”