(Originally compiled by David Crick, and reproduced with his kind permission here.)
AUSTRALIA
“The mirrors [are] 20mm bigger; little point in that: very few of the drivers actually use them properly.”
Murray: “Like last year’s Tyrrell, [the Prost’s] got little winglets at the sidepods.”
Martin: “Yes, but what do they look like Murray? Looks like somebody had an air-fix kit for Christmas and lost the instructions.”
“It’s a walk in the park for him. He’s not even working at the steering wheel.” (Coulthard gets within six-tenths of last year’s pole but with the ‘slower’ 1998 car)
Murray: “David Coulthard adjusts his knee-pads.”
Martin: “He seemed to be adjusting more than his knee-pads there Murray!”
“Jean Alesi must be having some kind of problem in his Benetton…” … “Yes, I had Alesi in a Benetton, and he’s obviously in a Sauber; I knew it would be contagious Murray.” (new season confusion catches on)
“His last run, his last chance, he’s two seconds faster than his team-mate Alesi. That’ll wake a few people up, not least Alesi.” (Johnny Herbert qualifies 5th)
“David doesn’t look like he’s shaking in his boots.” spookyuki@dial.pipex.com
“The Williams colour scheme looks a bit scruffy.” spookyuki@dial.pipex.com
Martin: “I think I have a good idea where Johnny may be. I always used to meet him in the toilets. Johnny always seems to need to go to the toilet about three times before the race. Let’s see if we can find him. Johnny! Have you been for your first panic wee wee yet? We’ve got to write a book one day on the famous Grand Prix toilets of the world I think.”
Johnny: “No I have done a quick visit and I’m sure there’ll be one more before I go.”
“Heinz-Harald Frentzen here, he too sitting in the car. Obviously these Williams cars are extremely comfortable.”
Murray: “So Martin, suppose you were Giancarlo Fisichella. What are you going to do about Villeneuve?”
Martin: “What I’d do about Villeneuve is ignore him and come in the pits, and have a set of boots.”
Murray: “Remember what you were saying about Tuero and speeding in the pit-lane? He’s got a penalty!”
Martin: “Oh well. He may as well learn them all the hard way on the first day.”
“We think Jordan are going to pluck Damon Hill out of that melee and bring him in for an early stop… may just get Damon ahead of that Williams. Which would give him a lot of satisfaction wouldn’t it?”
“He’s not really attacking that is he? Oh, that was all right, that was better.” (Fisichella makes a mess of the pit-lane entrance)
Murray: “And here is Hakkinen, still behind Wurz, going through now.”
Martin: “I think that’s David Coulthard passing Alesi.”
Murray: “It is.”
“Well we all gesticulate in racing cars, but really the driver in front cannot see anything; there’s no way he can see whatever sign you’re making.” (this time it is Hakkinen passing Wurz)
“Oh thank you Jean; drop a little bit of oil round there, give the other boys something to think about as they turn up on the scene. Very smart move.”
“With a car that’s got four wheels on it and running fine, [Villeneuve’s] just been lapped, and he will not be impressed.”
“We’ve not talked much about Swervin’ Irvin’. He’s there in fourth place giving Frentzen a very, very hard time.”
“You may well be right about Villeneuve being lapped at Monaco ’96 Murray. Now I know why they kept you around for fifty years!”
“David Coulthard has just responded by getting back into the thirty-two’s; he’ll be getting a ‘Naughty Boy’ sign in a minute too!”
“That Williams looks as if someone has shot a cannon full of sponsor stickers at it.”
BRAZIL
“Qualifying looks like it could be interesting, but if they want to beat these McLarens behind me they’ll have to protest their throttle pedals because they’re still flying.”
“There’s some days Rosset couldn’t drive a nail into a piece of wood, and this looks like one of them.”
“Colin McRae would have been proud of that recovery from Johnny Herbert there with full opposite lock.”
Martin: “Pathetic lap from Frentzen there. He’s all over the place: locking wheels left, locking wheels right, and it’s not going to get him anywhere this one.”
Murray: “Frenzten moves up to third.”
Martin: “I was wrong. He did lock his brakes but obviously he was travelling faster when he did it.”
Murray: “Now you know how I feel!”
Martin: “Here comes the buggy. I wouldn’t want to run into that in a Formula 1 car.”
Murray: “I remember you nearly hit one in Japan didn’t you?”
Martin: “I missed one by a fraction, and unfortunately hit the marshal who was standing near it and had a very nasty accident with him back in ’94. But if you go underneath one of those things in a Formula 1 car then I think you’ll be pushing up daisies unfortunately.”
“What can we do for a competition for this? You saw it coming off the head of Michael Schumacher. It’s probably even a little bit sweaty.” (Martin steals Michael’s Dekra cap as the they talk to Gerhard Berger)
“Schumacher on a charge. And he’s been standing up in the seat of that car all weekend, driving the wheels off it and doing a great job.”
“Michael Schumacher giving it full bananas there.” (on the tail of Frentzen)
“Well the designer-wear didn’t do much for the Ferrari pit-stop. It was quite a slow one actually.”
“Frentzen there locking a right front. He wants to make hay now while the sun is shining.”
“There’s an awful lot of traffic to greet somebody as they come out of the pit-lane and that somebody is Eddie Irvine. He’ll be well pleased when he turns into the back straight.”
“Pretty poor performance really on this lap by Fisichella. Schumacher took him like taking candy from a baby, and now Frentzen’s just plain frightened him off the road.”
“Yes it’s terrible when you wake up and realise you were dreaming then isn’t it?” (on Ferrari’s claim that they’ll soon be on the pace of McLaren)
Murray: “McLaren in their Darth Vaaa-der helmets.”
Martin: “Half distance will be 36, so the McLaren boys will be getting ready to do their stuff with their fancy helmets.”
“I had a big accident with Jean Alesi there when he buried me into the wall back in ’92. Jean is not keen on being overtaken at any time.”
“It looks like Coulthard has the whole race-track to himself. When Irvine came out of the pits, he was staring at a traffic jam like the M25.”
Martin: “…because of the altitude of 3,400 feet there’s about six percent less power, therefore they use six percent less fuel, there’s six percent less drag, six percent less cooling, six percent less downforce and six percent less air for the drivers Murray.”
Murray: “Thank you Martin…I’m very impressed with what you know!” bpenman@gil.com.au
“[Wurz] always reminds me of Forest Gump to be honest.”
ARGENTINA
“The Senna-S. You’ll see lots of drivers locking the unloaded inside left-hand tyre on the way in. Then falling downhill, the slowest part of the race-track just 45 mph. It opens up on the exit but there’s a big surface change. So a question of hurry up and wait: be careful with the throttle.”
“Magnussen playing a game of deer there, running to and from his car.”
“There’ll be some blue language inside that crash helmet at the moment. Eddie knows he was on a tremendous lap.”
“McLaren’s playing catch-up Murray, that makes a change in a nice kind of way.”
Murray: “Perhaps you’d like to explain concisely what that hand-signal meant.”
Martin: “I think it meant ‘See you in the bar later and we’ll talk about it.'”
(on Irvine’s gesticulation to Diniz after the Brazilian spoiled his qualifying lap)
“I’ve never seen Johnny Herbert angry; he’s known for always having a smile on his face, so things must be pretty dire there.”
“Come on DC, you’re in a Schumacher-shag sandwich at the moment.”
Murray: “Those gravel traps don’t seem to be stopping anybody at all here.”
Martin: “There isn’t one there Murray, that could explain that, it’s just all grass.”
“It’s very, very cold. We need to order some ITV wooly-pullies I think.”
“Where’s Johnny? He’ll be off in the toilet again as usual.”
“[Hakkinen’s] got a mirror full of Michael Schumacher who looks in a hurry Murray.”
“Well the cream always goes to the top, and the best two drivers around this circuit are currently in first and second.” (David and Michael)
“They should put some cutters underneath [Ralf’s] car.”
“I think I’m going to change my plane ticket Murray.” (Johnny says the only thing that could go wrong for him now is for the plane to crash on the way home)
“David must think ‘All I’ve seen all afternoon are wheels coming towards me.'” bpenman@gil.com.au
SAN MARINO
“It’s akin to seeing a Ferrari on the M25 with a towbar and a caravan behind it – I think it looks terrible.” (more winglet criticism)
“Looks like he’s hanging wallpaper in the breeze: he’s moving his hands all over the place.” (Tuero corrects the car on his qualifying run)
“I thought I’d been kidnapped at one point. We took such a torturous route away from there and ended up coming very neatly into the back of the paddock. But I hadn’t got my pass on me at the time – obviously I don’t carry it in the car – but when you’re wearing a set of overalls they’ll let you in, which is rather a crafty way of getting into a Grand Prix thinking about it.”
“There’s somebody outside our commentary box showing us a Finnish passport – do you think he’s pleased?” (Hakkinen takes provisional pole)
“We call him ‘The Bolt’ when he’s not around, ‘Bernie the Bolt’ – kids, your, er – your Mum and Dad’ll explain that one to you – we call him ‘Sir’ to his face…” cygnet@cygnet.u-net.com
Martin: “What are you looking for when you’re down on the grid?”
Bernie: “…seeing if people like you have the right pass or not…”
Martin: “This is probably the last time I’ll have this pass I’ve got a feeling!”
“You and Max [Mosley] must have been up all night finishing these groves in the tyres. Are you pleased with the these new regulations?” … “Now that I’ve gone, who’s your favourite driver?” … “You’re a very rich man, give or take a million…” (and to Bernie’s wife) “What turns you on about Ferrari?”
“Schuey looking a little lonely already in 3rd place.”
“See the marshals – they can’t resist squirting their fire extinguishers all over the cars, their moment of glory. It takes the mechanics about 3 days to clean the cars up after that.”
“Yes, the pistons are having a little talk with the valves in that engine.” (Nakano blows up)
Murray: “Well if David Coulthard wins this race he will be second in the World Championship, just…”
Martin: “Stop Murray, stop, stop! Don’t talk about it!”
“[Rosset]’s covered himself with more gravel than glory this year.”
SPAIN
“You’re building up to 190 mph, trolling along the pit-straight, nothing much to do.”
“Those [Ferrari] exhausts, they look a bit strange actually. I don’t know if they took those from a Massey Ferguson or something, with the exhausts pointing up like that.”
“Hang on Murray, I’ll be with you shortly, I’m just moving your pakermac out of the way.” (Murray predicts rain)
“Well I don’t know what Hakkinen is on but I’d like some of it!”
“Well this should be good for a laugh. Alesi’s on a charge… both himself and Ralf are very capable of having a get-together.”
“Hakkinen looks like Manchester United and Arsenal all rolled in to one today doesn’t he?”
“I’ve never seen anything like that before, suspending one car above the other. You’re looking at a million quid’s worth of equipment, one hanging over the top of the other there, that is staggering. All you need to do is put the drivers back in there for the full effect.” (removing the cars after Fisichella turned into Irvine)
“Remember those silver jobbies out in front Murray in first and second place?”
Martin: “Hasn’t rained yet Murray!”
Murray: “Thank you Martin, I thought you would remind me about that!”
MONACO
“If I could swap my microphone for a steering wheel for just one race Murray, this would be the one.”
“Maybe they’re asking to tighten [Michael’s] crotch-straps – might find him a few tenths Murray.”
“Well Ralf is using parts of the race track yet to be used by the other drivers… nerfing the barrier on the way out.”
Murray: “A lot of people here are really debating whether Ricardo Rosset is Formula 1 material.”
Martin: “Well it’s a fairly short debate Murray.”
“Jordan have Ryan Giggs with them this weekend, and somebody very unkindly said at least there’s something in the team that can take a corner.”
“No point turning that my friend, it’s not connected to anything.” (Wurz tries to bring his wheel-less Benetton to a halt)
“That should keep David Richards a little quieter!” (the Benetton boss protests at Coulthard for skipping the chicane, only for Alex to do the same) shanikah@mggs.vic.edu.au
CANADA
Martin was not at Canada.
FRANCE
“Magny-Cours: 2.6 miles of the smoothest tarmac you’ll ever find. They should come in and do our motorways I think.”
“Barrichello’s new visor – very rainbow effect. There’s two or three drivers using them now… obviously it reflects the sunlight better, must be similar to a pair or sunglasses or something. So some new technology creeping in on the crash helmets there.”
“Well the last time Mika Hakkinen said [he wasn’t worried about Michael] was in the press conference in Argentina and of course Michael Schumacher went on to win comfortably.” (prophetic words)
“Before I got a serious job in TV I used to drive these racing cars a bit.”
“Here we are on the grid. Remember when we were at Monte Carlo we had megastars galore to talk to? For some reason they haven’t made it to Magny-Cours; I can’t think why.”
“The lap will be one race shorter.”
Murray: “This man Michael Schumacher in terms of a complete racing driver really is in a class of his own.”
Martin: “He’s not bad.”
“Apparently in Spain 1990 Murray, Prost was first and Nigel Mansell – Our Nige – was second in the Ferrari, and I’d like to pretend I knew that.”
“[Coulthard] was certainly at the back of the queue when it came round to the luck stakes this season.”
UNITED KINGDOM
“The first right hander at Becketts. Now I find this difficult to believe myself, but you arrive here at 180 mph, it’s a very tight right hander. You don’t lift the throttle. Top gear, just scrub off a little speed down to 165 before the slower second part at 125. I’d like five pounds for every time I’ve been scared through here.”
“[The track]’s very susceptible to the wind speed and wind direction. You’ve currently got 3 m/s if that means anything to you Murray, or, more technically, quite a stiff breeze.”
“You can even see a few spots of rain on the lens of the heli-telly.”
“That’s Ralf; didn’t bother to show his pass, catapulted over the barriers… maybe he’ll lose another fastest lap time yet.”
“Down Hangar Straight, the car feels very slow down there – 190 mph in a Formula 1 car with all of that space feels like 125 mph on the M25; not that we’ve ever done that Murray.”
“I guess he’ll have to dye his hair the same as his helmet colours soon, that’s got to be the next move.” (on Villeneuve’s purple locks)
Murray: “And we haven’t had a drop of rain of any significant magnitude.”
Martin: “Well I’m jolly pleased – I’ve got to drive round it now, I don’t need it to rain.”
“Hey Keith, I always have to choose who to talk to. You choose somebody.” (talking to his camera man on the grid)
“Since we did Elizabeth Hurley on the start line in Monaco, Keith’s had an awful problem with his zoom control.”
(sarcastically) “Well it’s nice to see Silverstone in the summer isn’t it Murray?”
“I think that’s Copse, I think that’s the first corner. (Don’t ask me to explain how I know all these gravel traps so well Murray.)”
Murray: “Winner! You are right! You are right!”
Martin: “Hang on, that’s the guy who puts the captions up Murray, he’s not the Stewards.”
AUSTRIA
“Eddie Irvine reading the Financial Times or something, whatever he’s got inside the cockpit there.”
“I could almost now start writing all the press releases for these teams about what’s going to happen, what the drivers are going to say after this qualifying session. ‘I locked a wheel under braking in turn two; got stuck in the gravel; caught a patch of water; didn’t expect the curbs to be so slippery.’ But the major ones will be ‘I caught traffic; I couldn’t see where I was going.'”
“Do not go away, it’s going to get very, very exciting. They’re certainly playing some good poker down there aren’t they Murray?”
“I’ll chip £50 in James if you can go and talk somebody into going out. What will you put in Murray?”
“There is Frentzen’s Mechachrome engine letting go in the biggest possible way. There’s another coffee table for somebody.”
“Really we’re seeing a bit of amateur hour here.” (Alesi and Fisichella collide)
“Well Michael signed himself up for a multi-year multi-squillion deal of course, Ralf is not yet placed for next season, and a good scrap with somebody like Michael Schumacher…”
“Well done Ralf. Take that big bro!”
“I wonder if James can go ask them whether it was the handbrake or the foot brake.” (On Irvine’s brake ‘problem’)
GERMANY
“He needs a medal for getting that thing back to the start/finish line.” (Tuero in a very twitchy Minardi)
“There’s a lot of time to be found around this circuit by just braking later and later and later. In the end you’re saying to yourself inside the car ‘It’s not possible, I can’t brake this late.’ And you start playing games with the car and say ‘OK, try that then, you did it last lap, try this one: I’m going to brake 5 meters later again.’ And finally then you’ll see the cars just braking too late. It is absolutely mind-blowing how close to the corner you are at well over 210 mph before you think about touching the brake pedal.”
“[Villeneuve]’s got a three-wheeler there for most of those chicanes. You’ve got to be a bit of animal in the braking area and through the kerbs.”
“Well it takes you 21 seconds to get down there in a Formula 1 car and a full 21 minutes to get back I would imagine.”
“Hockenheim: four and a quarter miles of torturous tarmac. Part show-business through the stadium, part magical mystery tour into the forest.”
“I wonder what’s going on inside Michael Schumacher’s head. He’s not used to playing a walk-on part Murray, and he’s playing little more than that today.”
“I went through there backwards one day in ’95 and got a stop and go penalty for making an advantage.”
“Del Boy and Rodney would be pleased with that three wheeler wouldn’t they?”
HUNGARY
“Get it wrong through [Turn 11], and you’ll be tasting Hungarian hospital food.”
“I wonder who those overalls were made for Murray? I don’t think they were made for Jacques.”
“Dave Richards taking all of our best lines there Murray. I’ve got nothing else to say, have you?”
“Being first out on the race track’s a bit like being first up on the dance floor. You know everybody’s looking at you.”
“Just when he needs it he’s run out of talent, and there he goes.” (Fisichella spins off the track)
“It’s when they hang the brown flag out instead of the yellow that it upsets you.” (on Frentzen’s stomach problem)
“[Damon]’s taking me home tonight in his jet, and if he has a problem before the end of the race, he’ll get all moody like these racing drivers do, and leave without me so I’ll be stranded here tonight.”
“All these TV people in the way – how can you operate on this grid?”
“Diniz I think is trying to be helpful to Jacques, but it’s like when you meet someone in the street and you keep moving the same way.”
“In the World Championship fight it must have been very tempting for Mika Hakkinen to turn left down there and take Michael Schumacher out.”
BELGIUM
Murray: “If David Coulthard can metaphorically pull his socks up, he might just move up into pole position.”
Martin: “That would be the long socks he wears with his kilt I suppose?”
“[Nakano]’s tried the tunnel, now he’s climbed the fence, and he’s still nowhere near getting back into the pitlane, although he’s probably only 50m from his car.”
Murray: “Can you imagine having to pass somebody at 180 mph downhill as you’re approaching a very demanding s-bend?”
Martin: “You should try it in the wet Murray, it gets even more exciting then when you can’t see where you’re going!”
“The stewards will say to you just before they take your $10,000: ‘You’re the driver, we’re the stewards, we put the flags out thank you.'”
“There seems to be a Tyrrell parked on every corner this afternoon doesn’t there?”
“That’s not got a lot of grooves in Murray, has it?” (Michael’s intermediate gamble at the first start)
“I don’t know why but I’ve got a tense stomach, almost as if I’m on the grid down there.”
“I just hope we can get through this afternoon with 22 intact Grand Prix drivers.”
“I don’t know what [Coulthard]’s thinking, but I’d be thinking ‘I really don’t need this, I think I’ve had enough for one day.'”
“Whatever happens from now on in, this race is going to be talked about in Formula 1 circles and with Formula 1 fans for many years to come.”
“So clearly the back ends of the cars are somewhat stronger than the front.” (on Coulthard and Nakano rejoining)
“Eddie Jordan I’m sure will wish that he would evaporate right now.” (Alesi pushes Damon and the Jordans home to victory)
“I think we’ve missed our bus home – that was a long race wasn’t it Murray?”
ITALY
“A short straight then to the second Lesmo curve. Oh dear they’ve really spoiled this, they’ve slowed it down. A couple of years ago it used to be one of the great corners of this Monza circuit, now it’s just another right-hander.”
“If you can drive, you can drive. It doesn’t matter what it is. You can drive a wheelie bin fast if you’ve got a feel for grip and balance, and an understanding of where the limit is.”
“I still struggle to come to terms with the idea of Gerhard [Berger] behind a desk.”
“You’re watching an action replay of what happened earlier – which is absolutely nothing -; we’re going to take a break.”
“He should go and thank Jacques Villeneuve after that because Hakkinen was particularly rude towards Villeneuve, and Villeneuve having to get completely out of the way. No harm done, but that could have been a nasty incident.”
LUXEMBOURG
“If you got all that right, here’s a treat for you – the Dunlop hairpin. It’s a great one. Big downhill stop, just 65 mph on the apex, a good overtaking opportunity.”
“Heading uphill slightly again now. Cruise in here about 180 mph and jump heavily on the middle pedal – the Veedol chicane.”
Martin: “Bernie Ecclestone: surprised you’re here today, thought you’d be at Manchester United.”
Bernie: “Well I’m trying to get Michael to come and play for Manchester United, but he’s so interested in this Formula 1 and winning the World Championship…”
Martin: “What do you think’s better – 22 guys going round and round in circles at 220 mph or 22 guys chasing a bag of air around a field?”
“It looks like the North Circular doesn’t it? They’re all coming in at the same time.”
JAPAN
“The hairpin. Arrive into this cul-de-sac at 170 mph.”
“130R. Sounds like an old Skoda model doesn’t it? But in fact it is one of the finest race track corners in the world.”
“[Trulli] had all the speed and grace of a Volvo towing a caravan this morning.” (using the modified car)
Murray: “I’m expecting times probably round about the 1:37.5s at least in this afternoon session.”
Martin: “Well sounds like you’re about 4 tenths quicker than me there Murray.”
“Apparently Rosset had a bad neck this morning. So I wonder if he’s gone off and found a good one? I don’t know, but he’s on track now.”
“Hello all you daft petrol-heads getting up at this time in the morning to watch this Grand Prix. I know there are a lot of Grand Prix parties going on… have an extra beer for Murray and myself please. We’ll get this race over so you can get to church on time, don’t worry.”
“Come on Murray, come off the fence, who do you want to win this Championship?”
“Schumacher’s having a laugh. I mean, I really don’t know why Fisichella gave him the space there.”