(Originally compiled by Callie Sullivan, and reproduced with her kind permission here.)
Pre-Season Review
“It’s a wild time in Formula 1 at the moment. Never have there been so many changes so quickly.”
“I think [the new regulations are] generally improvements. I think everybody agrees that there needed to be some change. Technology and showbiz has got a bit out of kilter, I think, and the fans can’t get their juices flowing thinking about fifty software engineers halfway around the world doing a good job.”
Jim:: “[Has] Norfolk had any other drivers [apart from Ralph Firman]?”
Martin (who is, of course, Norfolk born and bred): “Yeah, you can’t beat a good old Norfolk boy, y’know. But he’ll have to get some designer orange twine now to hold his trousers up [down on the farm].”
Australia
“Friday is absolutely gonna come alive now.”
“The car feels really good, fits you like a Savile Row suit.”
Qualifying 1
“We’re not really seeing the ragged, supersonic laps that we’re used to in qualifying, I have to say.”
“Villeneuve with a sensational effort there, for [only] his fifth lap of the day!”
“After some of the things Jacques has said about Jenson Button over the winter I wouldn’t give him the time of day, let alone give him some critical information!”
“If you brake five metres early [at Turn 1], you’re a wussie.”
“It’s a terrible lap from Pizzonia – he’s driving like a, well, not even a new Formula 1 boy, he’s driving like an amateur.”
“Friday used to actually be a bit of a yawn, didn’t it ; there is a lot more focus and a lot more interest today.”
Saturday Warm-Up
“I think they need to loosen up the T-car rule. We had the silly situation this morning of Kimi Raikkonen watching the TV cos he couldn’t use the spare car, while the fans couldn’t watch Kimi Raikkonen.”
“I still can’t believe anybody will go [into the start of the race] with 20 kilos of gas and pit after two or three laps, cos that will look too silly for words.”
Qualifying 2
“I was somewhat hard on (Pizzonia) in qualifying yesterday but I think deservedly so, frankly, because he was all over the show and he’s not been much better today.”
“Trulli has truly blown it.”
“It’s been a mère of an afternoon for McLaren.”
(The following quote submitted by David Crick:) James has been waxing pessimistically about how poorly Schuey had been doing over the weekend. Michael just starts his hot lap and after the first corner JA asks, “How’s he getting on at the moment, Martin?” Martin replies: “Spot on. He was perfect,” sounding both amused and in (semi-)awe.
The Grid Walk
“Welcome to Nightmare on Pit Straight.”
Justin Wilson: “We might be lucky, we might get through the first corner and stand a chance.”
Martin: “Yeah, but you’ve gotta get through the first corner ; to finish first, first you must finish! And I can see you doing a few giant-killing acts today on those Bridgestone intermediates.”
The Race
(The following quote submitted by Rob Davison:) James: “Can you remember in the many years since – going back to the early eighties – that you’ve been involved in Grand Prix racing that we’ve started a Grand Prix with so many questions marks hanging in the air?”
Martin: “No, not at all. There’s no doubt about it, everybody is slightly upside down.”
“I said to (Wilson) on the grid he’s gonna do a bit of giant-killing – he certainly is, he’s four tenths of a second ahead of Ralf Schumacher!”
“You know what’s great? I’ve no idea who’s gonna win this Grand Prix!”
Louise: “Minardi haven’t given up yet – they’ll get points for perseverance if nothing else.”
Martin: “‘Percy Verance’ was always a quick driver.”
“You can always rely on changeable conditions to give us an unusual and unpredictable Grand Prix. Maybe the new rules should just be they should randomly water a couple of corners and not tell the drivers til they go round on the outlap.”
“That was excellent driving from Raikkonen, if a touch rude!”
“[Schumacher’s Ferrari] is looking like a Meccano set that hasn’t been put together properly – bits falling off it left, right and centre!”
Driver of the Day
“Coulthard kept his head – certainly my driver of the day.”
Malaysia
Qualifying 1
“Forty six degrees now, the track temperature, 34 the air temperature, 46 per cent humidity, it’s absolutely sweltering, isn’t it? Even just walking outside the commentary box it’s like stepping into an oven.”
“Unusual camera angle there, mostly grass in the beginning but then finally picking up the flying Columbian.”
James: “Villeneuve runs a little wide.”
Martin: “He runs quite a lot wide, actually.”
“(Fisichella) is now 30 years old, no longer a young man, and he needs to be cutting the mustard pretty soon in his mustard coloured Jordan.”
“The cars are only doing one lap at a time so there’s not that much lappery going on.”
Qualifying 2
Mark: “(The drivers) are gonna lose about two to three litres in sweat.”
Martin: “Amazing they still cuddle each other on the podium … Look at these – palm trees! You don’t see too many of them on a wet Sunday afternoon in Magny Cours.”
“I’m told that those are not anywhere near the latest spec Cosworths in these (Minardi) cars – in fact they could be due for an MOT quite soon.”
“Raikkonen looking like he was having a battle with an octopus.”
Ted: “(Ralf) is looking like he messed up.”
Martin: “Naah, I think he just didn’t drive fast enough.”
The race
“Fisichella didn’t get away from the grid because of launch control problems. I imagine he didn’t trigger the system because he was busy three-point-turning on the grid.”
“How do the Finns do this? They win the rallies but there’s only five million of them; we’ve had Keke Rosberg, Mika Hakkinen, now Kimi Raikkonen, it’s a big percentage from a small country isn’t it?”
“The first two races of this season – I’ve been doing this six/seven years now and certainly [they’re] in the top ten of Grands Prix I have enjoyed commentating on, so whatever they’ve changed for whatever reason, something’s working cos it’s certainly put a nice twist of spice into it.”
Driver of the Day
“It’s a close call between the two young guys, isn’t it, Raikkonen and Alonso. On balance I think you have to give it to Raikkonen.”
Brazil
Qualifying 1
“Button’s not even got to the Start line yet and he’s frightening me silly!”
James: “Talk me through this rear wing coming off. I mean, he hit what looked like polystyrene.”
Martin: “Yeah he did, but he was doing 150 miles an hour at the time!”
“It’s great entertainment for us; [the drivers] have got 1 minute 25 of terror, really, if their tyres are not connected to the ground.”
Qualifying 2
“This is the crunchy bit in the middle [of the lap].”
“Panis is certainly giving it plenty, and being a bit of a rock-ape in turns 1 and 2.”
The Grid Walk
[Martin stands in the pouring rain] “We’ve got a problem – we’ve got a major problem … The manufacturers elected crazily to go for inters which, if you know the history of this race, that was never going to work. We’re beginning to wonder how much fuel they’ve got in the safety car because they may have to refuel that later on.”
The Race
“An hour ago we suddenly saw up on screen – and it had Kimi Raikkonen jump up out of his chair and leave his lunch to go and look at what they were doing – there was a fire engine and a hose; they were washing the track which was a bit bizarre because obviously so much water’s gone [down already].”
“After 75% of the race distance covered, which must be – James, you’re a clever bloke, how many laps is that?!”
James: “Raikkonen is having a go at Barrichello – can he make it stick?”
Martin: “Can he make it stop?!”
“I had lunch with (Raikkonen) today and he was more relaxed than I was!”
“If you back off too much speed you lose downforce and you’re more likely to aquaplane and join the party in the hedge.”
“I tell you what – if moving it to one wet tyre was to save money, they’ve blown all that in the wall today.”
Martin: “Save of the day, then, for Mark Webber – that was amazing! Looked like he was on his surfboard at Bondi Beach, didn’t he?”
James: “Best save since Gordon Banks!”
James: “Rubeno is out of the race. Oh My Goodness.”
Martin (disbelievingly): No. Nobody could be that unlucky.”
“(Rubens) is such a nice bloke as well ; he’s such a genuine proper bloke. The emotions must be going through his head now : ‘What have I gotta do? What have I done wrong? Who have I upset in another life?’”
James: “If ever you wanted a bizarre day, this is surely it.”
Martin: “Take it easy to the airport!”
San Marino
Qualifying 1
“I’ve heard that in Formula 1 a few times, I have to say, where you go to the first practice session [of the season] armed with new horsepower figures, new torque figures, new aerodynamic downforce figures and all sorts of wonderful … I mean, you’re gonna run into the back of yourself according to some of these numbers!”
James: “(Heidfeld) is one of the most anonymous Grand Prix drivers.”
Martin: “Yeah, you’re right. I hadn’t thought about it – and that actually confirms it, doesn’t it, really?! I’ve never really thought about Nick Heidfeld! He’s about as neutral as Switzerland, isn’t he?! But his handling of his car’s not at all neutral – it’s all over the place at the moment.”
“We talk about 4½ seconds [off the pace] as if your plane’s just been delayed 3 hours, it’s that sort of feeling, but I can assure you it still looks pretty dramatic at the wheel of that car.”
Qualifying 2
“There isn’t really a fast corner around here worth its name – it’s all very much stop and go, point and squirt stuff.”
The track guide
“Use all of this kerb on the way through. The car takes off momentarily, you’re in charge of an aeroplane – you just hope it’s pointing in the right direction when it lands.”
The race
“There’s gonna be some sweaty palms in the pits because the mechanics’ll be looking at this, thinking, ‘Oh-oh, it’s gonna be down to us this afternoon’.”
[In-car shot of Villeneuve’s backside poking into the camera as he gets out.]
“A rather inelegant view there from the camera on the airbox of a driver getting out complete with tubes and HANS device around the neck and all the belts getting in your way and tucked up in your overalls. It’s a really clumsy job to get out of a Formula 1 car.”
[Pizzonia arrives unexpectedly at his pit – the crew aren’t ready for him.]
“Isn’t it awful when you know you need gas and you turn up and you think it’s a 24-hour gas station and when you get there they’re closed?”
“Fascinating to see the Italian director choosing not to show Raikkonen getting his second prize trophy – he cut to the Ferrari flags instead!”
Driver of the Day
“It’s a close call, isn’t it, between Michael Schumacher and Kimi Raikkonen. I think it has to go to Michael Schumacher.”
Spain
Qualifying 1
“[The design of the cars] marches on so quickly in Formula 1. I mean, the 2002 [Ferrari] that was so dominant suddenly is an old bus.”
Ted: “I was talking to (Montoya) … he was complaining about every bit of this Williams.”
Martin: “I bet you edited out a lot of words in that little report, Ted, didn’t you, if I know Montoya – he’s learned his English in the Formula 1 paddock and tends to be a bit ripe sometimes.”
“(Heidfeld) half a second down on Michael and that’s – what – little more than a click of your fingers and you think, ‘Just go faster, then! Don’t brake as hard, turn in with more speed, get on the throttle early, surely you can pick half a second up!’ But you can’t – it’s an eternity, you can’t do it without the grip.”
Qualifying 2
“This Minardi yesterday looked like a very bad horror movie.”
“It makes you about as welcome as a toothache if you run over your own mechanics.”
“I’m in total admiration of Jacques Villeneuve’s driving, always have been, in terms of the way he’s always wrung the neck of anything he’s driven.”
“What was amazing for me was that the [Ferrari] changed up a gear in the middle of Turn 12, which is normally hang on for grim death and with your eyes on stalks coming through there.”
“What we really need is for Michael to go off so he starts alongside Raikkonen on the back of the grid – that’ll give us a bit of spice for tomorrow afternoon!” (Sadly Michael gets Pole instead!)
The Grid Walk
Martin: “Last year I spoke to you here, the bloody thing didn’t get off the grid! Can you do it this year?”
Rubens: “This year, we hope!”
Martin: “Can we have a quick word with you for British television?”
Roberto Carlos: “No English!”
Martin: “You do understand English!”
Carlos: “No English!”
Martin: “A little bit of English! I don’t speak Portuguese.”
(Carlos speaks Portuguese each time Martin speaks to him. Eventually Martin gives up and walks away.) Martin (in a peeved voice): “OK, that’s good, no comprende.”
The Race
James: “(Raikkonen) has nothing to lose, coming from the back.”
Martin: “Contrary to that, James, I think he’s got a lot to lose, mainly his front wing.” (Martin showing his prophetic skills again.)
The following quote submitted by David Hutchison: (Just back from the commercial break during the Safety Car period after the start [on or about lap 4].)
James: “And here is a replay of the start from Alonso’s perspective.”
Martin: “Yes, so, Alonso in third place on the grid, then, tries to slot between the two Ferraris. Michael Schumacher covering his ground well – he’s allowed to move once – and then does not swerve back to the outside. Alonso follows him towards Turn One, and then really just brakes a little too late when he gets there.”
“Why this is a good quote, at least from my view down here in Australia, is that while Martin was describing the replay that the ITV viewers were seeing, the Host Broadcast stayed with the wreck of Pizzonia’s Jag being hefted onto the flatbed, then went to a crowd shot – Channel Ten didn’t get the replay. While I didn’t see the replay, I for one could still figure out what Martin was talking about.”
James: “Tell us what you see in this young man [Alonso].”
Martin: “I see a lot of people rushing around tomorrow morning seeing how watertight his contract is.”
James: “As [Ferrari’s] Chris Dyer said to you on the grid, it’s only beautiful if it wins.”
Martin: “I suspect it’s about to look extremely beautiful, then.”
“(Alonso) speaks better English than Roberto Carlos as well, that’s for sure!”
Driver of the Day
“Alonso [put on a] really superb performance and [is] comfortably, easily my driver of the day.”
Austria
Qualifying 1
“Watch (Coulthard) on the steering wheel there. Let’s hope we stay on board for a little while here, if the Austrian director will give us a chance to see Turn 2 from the cockpit – and almost as if he’s wired in to us, he doesn’t!”
Martin: “(Ralf) still feels that this new Williams really can get the job done.”
[Ralf promptly spins into the gravel.] James: “Not like that, it can’t!”
“I like hearing interviews with Alonso : ‘Yes’ is always his first answer. He’s so positive about everything!”
Qualifying 2
“We haven’t seen a car go off here [before]. That’ll surprise (Alonso) – it certainly surprised us. That is slightly strange and he’ll be – if only he could get to his head without his crash hat on – he’ll be scratching it.”
Heidfeld (talking to Louise): “Unfortunately I had to drive quite early, so you can expect that a couple of cars will be quicker.”
Martin: “He’ll be very happy if just a couple of them are quicker than him – I think he might be being a bit ambitious – mind you, ‘a couple’ means ‘two or more’, I think, absolutely specifically in English!” [Some time later:] “Heidfeld said to us, ‘I think a couple of them will pass me’ – at the moment there are only two in front of him!” [with only Michael still to go out]
“Raikkonen has put them on notice and they’ve all gone wobbly trying to match his stunning 1.09.1.”
The Race
“Isn’t it great when it rains?! It always throws a double-six somewhere.”
“We know (Michael)’s a bit light on fuel because they set fire to half of it!”
[Montoya’s engine blows but he limps the car back to the garage.]
“Montoya says, ‘I’m not walking back – I’ll bring it back’. That’ll be in thousands of pieces inside there and the engineers hate that because they can’t necessarily find out what broke first.”
James: “Ferrari will be asking a lot of questions about the refuelling rigs here after delays for Barrichello and fires for Michael Schumacher.”
Martin: “Yes, I wouldn’t want to be working at InterTechnik tomorrow morning, there’ll be some fireworks … probably the wrong expression, actually!”
Driver of the Day
“It’s gotta be Michael Schumacher – just for that image of him sitting in the pitlane totally calm while everybody was running around, his car was on fire ; just wiped his visor, got on with it and won the Grand Prix.”
Monaco
Qualifying 1
“You scare yourself silly trying to slow down for the chicane.”
“Michael was the man making me most want to run away from the edge of the barrier on the exit of those corners this morning.”
“Tabac, where I tried unsuccessfully to kill myself once in a Tyrrel.”
“[The circuit is] just a regular street full of regular rubbish.”
“Cars do not go forwards very well when they’re up in the air.”
Qualifying 2
“Put it on your list today – your ‘must do before you die’ list – come and see a Formula 1 car going through there at Casino Square, it’s absolutely brilliant.”
“I sound like a sad old geezer in rose-tinted glasses saying that it was always better in the good old days but [the modified circuit] is definitely less intimidating.”
“I wouldn’t be that camera man sitting there. Send him a beer after the weekend’s finished – if he’s still around!”
The Grid Walk
[The studio team sing ‘Happy Birthday to You’] “Oh stop it, that’s embarrassing! [they carry on singing] Look, I’ve got places to go! … Let’s dive into this amazing jungle of people … there’s a few megastars in here, it seems as if Formula 1’s trendy and sexy again … [he struggles to get through a horde of photographers] This is unbelievable, this is the grid of the major race of the year, for goodness’ sake, look at this! So much kissing and slapping – I should imagine the drivers are staying to one side wondering what on earth is happening around here … I just trod on a lady’s toe – I’m very sorry, dear! … [the press of people gets worse] I think the only sensible thing to do, cos the camera man’s gonna fall over, is to go back to the studio.”
The following quote submitted separately by Kevin Marshallsay and Alexander Keep. I wasn’t initially going to include it as it isn’t really a Martin quote but as two people asked for it, here it is:
Martin: “Quick word, Ralf? [Ralf nods] Top man. What’s the track like after that amazing Porsche race where they spilled oil and water everywhere?”
Ralf: “Well, I won’t call it amazing, but anyway as you can imagine it’s pretty dirty and shitty, so, er … sorry for that, I know it’s not the finest English!”
The Race
[Frentzen made a rookie mistake and smashed into a barrier]
Louise: “Are you a bit annoyed with yourself?”
Frentzen: “Yes, a bit.”
Martin: “He didn’t seem quite as gutted as [I imagined] – I thought he might be hanging from a rope out the back somewhere.”
“Montoya’s absolutely flying at the moment, he’s about to set some kind of stunning lap time … Montoya goes over the line with a – 15.1?! You what?! Where did he get that from?! Unbelievable!”
“There’s ‘please let me join the party’ Rubens Barrichello.”
Driver of the Day
“I wouldn’t mind Montoya in my team today, he’s certainly done a great job, hasn’t he?”
Canada
Qualifying 1
[Raikkonen heads down the straight in the pouring rain while birds are standing on the bend that he’s approaching]
“Look, even the seagulls are enjoying the racetrack more than Kimi Raikkonen.”
“I just don’t understand why they’re not on full wets because it’s a no-brainer now … that’s why Trulli’s 6¾ seconds adrift and apparently on a skateboard rather than a Formula 1 car.”
Qualifying 2
[Pizzonia wiggles his car down the straight to warm his tyres up]
“Pizzonia making a corner out of a straight.”
“Not entirely sure why we say ‘the track is green’ – obviously the grass is green, the track is black!”
The Grid Walk
Martin [who really should have known better than to attempt this interview!]: “I wanna have a word with this guy because he’s a complete and utter fruitcake … Ozzy! Good to see you. Sharon had some good news this week, I hear.”
Ozzy Osbourne: [rambles incoherently about a musical he’s writing instead of talking about his wife.]
Martin: “Alright – I’ll try and think of a question for that answer! Did you bring the dogs with you?”
Ozzy : “No, they’re all at home shitting.”
Martin (embarrassed): “Excellent, thank you very much! I think we’ll move on! [to us] Now, what else can I tell you about the race today, cos you might be slightly more interested in that!”
The Race
“Now they’ve got half an acre of tarmac on the outside of the turn where it used to be a gravel trap, a barrier, and the biggest tree I’ve never wanted to run into.”
“Justin Wilson up to P10 now in the ‘Ecclestone Minardi’!”
Driver of the Day
“Alonso, no doubt about it.”
Europe
Qualifying 1
“Bit of local wildlife getting caught up on Coulthard’s camera.”
[A bird dropping splatters onto DC’s onboard camera.]
“Maybe they’re carrying a barn door on the back.”
[Martin tries to understand why the Renaults are so slow.]
“Slicks is still the answer – there’ll be a cross-over point soon, and actually we’ve now arrived at it – now he needs to be on wets!”
[Da Matta spins, and sits sideways in the middle of the track for ages before getting going again.]
“He’s thinking, ‘D’you think anybody noticed? Maybe I got away with it’!”
The track guide
Mark: “(Michael) asked the track to make the changes, they couldn’t pay for it – they’re gonna have a Michael Schumacher Day in September, the money in from that pays the way.”
Martin: “Amazing they need to have a bring and buy sale to change a Grand Prix circuit these days.”
Qualifying 2
[After his mechanics have changed his engine in a record 18 minutes, Heidfeld spins on the first corner and then inexplicably stalls.]
“I just imagine somebody with a box of bits back in the garage saying, ‘Where should these ones have gone?’”
“Full bananas right up to the top of the hill.”
The Grid Walk
Jim: “The good news is that Ozzy Osbourne’s not on the grid today; the bad news is that Greg Rusedski’s looking for you!”
Martin: “We’re gonna use lots of four-letter words today like ‘grid’, ‘fuel’, and the ‘race’, of course.”
Martin: “Are you up for a quick word, Kimi? [Kimi walks past muttering something.] He’s got what?! [to us:] He’s got another panic wee-wee, I think, that’s the second time he’s been over there! Norbert – can we have a quick word? You were so excited yesterday when Kimi got the pole.”
Norbert Haug: “Already got a bollocking from Mr Dennis because I was so excited!”
Martin: “Don’t use those complicated German words, you’ll get me into trouble; I’m in trouble enough already!”
Martin: “Talking of four-letter words, did I see Bernie wander past?! Bernie, we wanna know who you think’s gonna win today.”
Bernie: “Williams.”
Martin: “Why?”
Bernie: “Cos they’ll be quicker.”
Martin: “Why not Michael, then, he seems pretty handy?”
Bernie: “Don’t let him hear what I’m saying!”
The Race
[Da Matta’s team change his nose in under 15 seconds.]
“Looked like that nose was held on with Lego bricks or Velcro or something, that was a tremendous nose change!”
[Raikkonen’s engine blows but he keeps driving around the track, dropping fluid everywhere.]
“He’ll be about as popular as a toothache if he keeps driving it on the line like that.”
“Montoya did absolutely nothing wrong – if they penalise him for that and fine him I’ll personally pay the fine, because that would be outrageous.”
Driver of the Day
“Ralf drove extremely well but it’s gotta be Montoya for that move around the outside of Michael Schumacher.”
France
Qualifying 1
“Watching this new [track] layout, one word keeps coming into my mind : why?”
“I’ve crashed a Formula 1 car there – I’ve crashed a Formula 1 car in most places, actually!”
James: “(Button) hasn’t done a single lap around here and he needs conservatism rather than anything else.”
Martin: “Yeah, he needs a traffic warden down there to tell him where the track goes towards the end.”
“Anybody fancying a bit of a laugh in the last few runners should be out there on slick tyres.”
[And after the teams have taken Martin’s advice:]
“ ‘Minardi 7 seconds faster than Ferrari’ is tomorrow’s headline!”
Qualifying 2
“Panis got a cake for being in Formula 1 ten years. I used to hate all that sort of thing! Louise gave me my cake for my 150th * when we both worked at Jordan and you’re sort of thinking, ‘I don’t want anybody to know I’ve been around this long’, so Panis will be grimacing at a ten year cake.”
- [presumably he meant 150th race, not year! ;)]
“I can’t quite cope with these big green ‘get out of jail free’ cards they’re given around there now. Nurburgring was such a challenging chicane – if you got it wrong, you dipped a wheel in the gravel, you were going off to have an enormous accident ; now you run completely off the road and get some payback for it!”
The Race
“[The inboard camera] peeping over the head of Coulthard – it’s a better view of the racetrack than he’s got as he peers over the top of the monocoque and down the road. It’s a lovely cosy feeling inside a Formula 1 car, you feel very safe and very secure and very fast in there.”
“Barrichello’s gonna be spitting feathers.”
James: “Martin, we really need to talk about this tyre situation because it’s so black and white at the moment.”
Martin: “Black and round as well, isn’t it?”
Driver of the Day
“It’s between the two Schumis, isn’t it – it’s gotta be Ralf.”
Britain
Qualifying 1
“It’s very much an act of blind faith that the car is going to stick, otherwise you’d end up somewhere in Northampton if it didn’t.”
James: “Firman complaining in the newspapers that he hasn’t got a girlfriend … most Grand Prix drivers manage to find pretty lovely girlfriends, so probably only a matter of time.”
Martin: [pauses, then laughs] “I’m lost for words, actually! I was trying to think of a good one-liner there but none of them were printable!”
“His shirt’s full of sponsors, you’ve gotta go to his socks and his underpants next, there can’t be any space left on Verstappen!”
“Michael will give his views of being fastest in Qualifying 1 where he’ll say it’s not really important, it doesn’t affect the weekend, and that’s why he tried so hard when he did it!”
The Grid Walk
“Dunno what all this tosh is about losing this Grand Prix ; bit of mischief going on out there but the good guys are gonna win this one.”
Martin: “Frankie, welcome to the grid. First time for you on the grid of a Grand Prix?
Frankie Dettori: “First time in my life and I’m dying to get in that car. They got 900 horsepower in there, I only got one! … You can smell the atmosphere growing and the smell of the tyres and the engines and I hope it’s gonna be a fantastic race.”
Martin: “Yeah, it must smell a whole lot better than the start of a horserace!”
Martin: “Let me see if I can find Rubens Barrichello – he’s talking to an extremely attractive young lady, so I’ve not got a prayer!”
Rubens: “I’m going from two nice ladies to an old …”
Martin: “… to an ugly old teammate!”
[Danilo from Germany tells me that the lady who then did the ‘joint’ interview with Martin was actually broadcasting live, and so Martin was briefly on German TV as well!]
[After his chat with Rubens] “He’s a nice guy, I’d love to see him win the Grand Prix today.”
The Race
“That’ll have serious implications for the British Grand Prix that a man can get on the racetrack and be running down the middle of the Hangar straight, for goodness’ sake, with the whole pack coming towards him, very nearly killing himself, and any driver that hit him would be in serious, serious, danger of his life too, but that is the last thing this event needed.”
“You don’t know where to look next, do you?!”
“The Ferrari hooked up in the middle of two BARs – is it a Ferrari sandwich or is it a bar snack?”
“It’ll be a brave man that doesn’t re-sign (Barrichello) for Ferrari.”
Driver of the Day
James: “I have to ask you about your driver of the day.”
Martin: “No you don’t.”
James: “No?”
Martin: “Well, you don’t, because it’s easy, isn’t it?”
James: “Is it?”
Martin: “It’s gotta be Rubens Barrichello surely, don’t you think? Brilliant pole, he wasn’t light on the front of the grid and any one of his moves was worth watching this afternoon.”
Germany
Qualifying 1
“The problem that Rubens has got is that there is no problem.”
Qualifying 2
“I asked (Ferrari) this morning, did Michael have a puncture when he spun off and they said, ‘No, it was a slight deflation of the left rear’ – sounded like a puncture to me!”
“The tension I felt in the pits this morning, I haven’t felt that for 2 or 3 years now in Formula 1 – it’s really building up in these last five Grands Prix.”
The race
[Louise reports that Raikkonen has gone to the medical centre but he walked to the medical car and so probably isn’t too badly injured.]
“They’ll probably throw a few ice packs on the Ice Man.”
“(Coulthard) is murdering them in the middle section.”
“Trulli did the only sensible thing and ran (Michael) off the road.”
[Michael gets a flat tyre.]
“Kimi Raikkonen, that’ll fix the bruise on his leg – he’ll be leaping up and down!”
“It’s sad, but that’s all we racing drivers talk about – how was your oversteer, how was your understeer, what was your fastest lap?!”
[Trulli feels faint before the podium ceremony.]
“It’s when you stop and all the adrenaline fades away [that] you start to feel much much worse ; that’s the moment when you start feeling sick and weak and the last thing you want to be is up there [on the podium] to a certain extent but you’d never want to miss the moment.”
Driver of the Day
“Pretty easy, isn’t it, today. Montoya – he’s barely breaking into a sweat.”
Hungary
Qualifying 1
“What we need this weekend is for Ralf Schumacher and Barrichello to have a great weekend and for Michael Schumacher and Montoya to run into each other.”
“It’s such a shame they’ve taken away that fast flick-flack chicane. Alright, it wrecked a few chassis but it was really really tricky to drive, and it’s just turned into another boring ninety degree right-hander.”
Ted: “Da Matta’s been having problems with his automatic gear shift system.”
Martin (sarcastically): “Yeah, you’d hate to be the poor soul that had to flick those micro-switches and do that gear shift all by himself out there.”
The track guide
Mark: “This is another corner that’s been diluted. Yes it used to be blind on the entry, it was off-camber, that kerb in there used to rip the bottom of the car off but every driver loved it.”
Martin: “Did indeed. Maybe we can put a lot of cotton wool down and make it safer even more for the future.”
Qualifying 2
James: “(Baumgartner)’s not completely going into this blind but still a big challenge for him.”
Martin: “Yeah, it’s a little bit like climbing Everest with some slippers and a pac-a-mac.”
“Dunno what’s going on in the world of motor racing. We’ve got twenty cars in Formula 1, there’s only fourteen cars in Formula 3000, money’s tight but there’s not a lot of quality out there in young drivers coming through. There are some great young drivers around but I have to say that Baumgartner and Kiesa, they’re not the sort of people I would expect knocking on the door of a Formula 1 seat. And strangely you’ve got people like Wurz, de la Rosa, Massa in testing roles and it’s all percolating to the top end where they’d rather be third or fourth driver at McLaren than they would be hustling one of these things [a Minardi] round, and I’m not sure I blame them.”
The race
[Barrichello’s suspension fails and James wonders if Michael and Ferrari should consider parking his car up for safety reasons.]
“Don’t know any driver that wouldn’t carry on driving and just take the risk. You would take the chance, that’s what you’re out there for.”
“If it can go wrong, it has gone wrong for Michael today. But at least he’s still running [and] you know him, he’ll probably find three places on the last lap with other people’s problems.”
“Eight winners in one Grand Prix season and it’s not over yet.”
Driver of the Day
“That’s pretty easy isn’t it? The kid just went out there and did it.” (Alonso)
Italy
Qualifying 1
“(Ralf) locks the right front over the chicane – will not be penalised for that in terms of cheating on the track but in terms of lap time it’s horrendous, of course! … He’s only 77 thousands behind – actually, if he pops a quick one he might get penalised!”
[Ralf does indeed have his time discounted.]
“I’m really fearful we’re gonna end up with [only] two British Grand Prix drivers in the 2004 season.”
Qualifying 2
“Baumgartner another driver who wants to get into the corner before he’s arrived.”
“There is another Sauber driver poking around on the dashboard at a couple of hundred miles an hour.”
The race
“Alonso being lapped, the winner of the last Grand Prix. That’s how it goes in this sport.”
“Alonso had a bit of a cartoon weekend but he still scored a World Championship point.”
“My Driver of the Day is Marc Gene.”
USA
Qualifying 1
“Montoya tripped over his team mate [in Turn 1 last year] ; if Ralf has one of his dizzy moments this weekend, it could happen again.”
“Remember, [a Formula 1 car] is an aeroplane upside down.”
[After Louise has interviewed Ralf:]
Martin: “What is all that about, James? ‘I don’t know how I’ll feel tonight’?!”
James: “Maybe he’s going for a curry.”
“A lot of people think, with the single lap qualifying, maybe the championship could be decided on a running order and that’s not correct, that’s not how a championship should be decided. I don’t follow that logic, because it can be decided on a back marker, a sticking wheel on a pitstop, a dodgy refuelling nozzle – everybody’s got the same chance out there.”
Qualifying 2
Ted: “All credit to the Renault boys. (Trulli) is in his race car – it’s all fixed.”
Martin: “Hope all the wheels are pointing in the right direction.”
The grid walk
“Michael could barely raise a smile when I saw him this morning ; Montoya talking very fast and quite hyper in a way ; and Raikkonen you’ll find reading some car magazine.”
“Listen carefully – I’m only gonna confuse us all once with this.”
The race
“(Montoya) looks like Granny creeping down to the supermarket.”
“Go and put some wets on, DC, for goodness’ sake!”
“Car 5 – David Coulthard – under investigation for something : being on the wrong tyres, possibly?!”
“I don’t see anybody else out in the pitlane drying their pit garage box for their driver. I imagine there’ll be a hundred Ferrari people out there breathing on the first hundred metres to give him a good getaway!”
(The following quote submitted by David Crick:) [Button’s car fairly obviously blows up:]
Martin: “It’s a replay of Jenson Button blowing up.” (later) “We’re hearing hydraulic failure for Button, which rather surprises me.”
[Then Villeneuve’s car also fairly obviously blows up:]
James: “Another big big retirement for BAR – that looked like a pretty terminal engine failure.”
Martin: “They’ll put that down to electronic problems, I would imagine; [they’ll say] the piston went through the wiring.”
“Montoya’s about to frighten Fisichella off the road.”
Driver of the Day
“I think it just goes to Kimi Raikkonen.”
Japan
“… a lovely sweepy sweeping section …”
Qualifying 1
“Montoya and Raikkonen are both saying, ‘I don’t care if I come third or second in the championship’. Don’t believe a word of it.”
“At 130R you do not need any surprises [or] a magical mystery tour.”
Martin: “I realised this weekend that I will never be a journalist because I was sitting with someone when Jenson’s engine blew up and they said immediately, ‘Well, what do you expect? Honda’s favourite son’s in the other car’. As if they’d put in an engine that’s gonna blow up! How silly, but my mind wouldn’t even begin to think about that logic!”
James: “All these years in Formula 1 and you lack cynicism!”
Martin: “Yeah, I must go and buy some. … What can Button do? If he can get anywhere near a 1:31 I think he deserves some kind of medal.”
James: “I think back to something you said at the beginning of the year when these two were put together – Villeneuve and Button – you said whichever one of the two of those comes out on top, it’ll ruin the other one’s career, and it’s been proved absolutely correct.”
Martin: “Yeah, well, luckily for Jenson. I mean, Jacques’s just 32 years old, for goodness’ sake, he’s not exactly an old man, is he?”
Ted: “(Wilson)’s been teaching himself how to do the S’s here. He was saying the problem is if you don’t lift you run wide and lose time, if you lift too much you understeer through and lose even more time. What’s he gonna do now?”
Martin: “Get it right, really.”
“Olive, as he’s fondly known in the paddock – such a nice bloke, Olivier Panis, and he’s the handshake specialist of the world. The French do all the handshake stuff – I remember when we were teammates he would go round the whole factory and shake everybody’s hand, remembering the ones he’d already shaken.”
Qualifying 2
“As my son says, ‘If you’re not living on the edge, you’re taking up too much space’.”
“(Alonso) has the demeanour of an angry young man when he’s walking around the place. I looked at him last night in the hotel – he looked like he was likely to come and nut you on the nose.”
“I’ve no idea why they’ve messed around with the format for 2004 – they look like they’ve made a right pig’s ear of it.”
The race
“Now let’s just remind you, if you haven’t read it a thousand times and heard it another two hundred …”
“If you had to say what was the most interesting [Grand Prix] of the year – I mean, there’s half a dozen stunning races to choose from this year in terms of surprises and thrilling action. I think the new regulations played a part in that. Let’s hope they don’t fix the regulations in the week as they’re proposing at the moment cos I don’t think they’re quite right.”
“That’s been one of the great surprises and pleasures this year is that with no warm-up – and they’ve not been pulling the cars apart anything like as much, they’ve been in Parc Fermé – we’ve seen even better reliability than in the past.”
“Michael Schumacher now lapping three seconds slower than he was a few laps ago – he’s just like, ‘Just stay away from me – I don’t wanna see anybody, I’m not going near anybody, this’ll do me just fine for the rest of the afternoon, thank you very much’.”
James: “I wonder whether we’ll see Villeneuve again in a Formula 1 car?”
Martin: “Who knows? But it’s not a very … it’s a bit smelly how that all happened this weekend.”
“ ‘Proper bloke wins Japanese Grand Prix’ should be the headline tomorrow – really nice guy, Rubens.”
[In the London ‘Metro’ newspaper the next day there was a summary of the 2003 Formula 1 season, including details of the final race where it said: ‘Proper bloke’ Rubens Barrichello won the race … so at least one journalist took note!]
Driver of the Day
“I think there were some good drives out there : Sato’s been good, Barrichello’s been solid, Montoya put a lot of manners on him on the first lap. I’ll go for Jenson Button in fourth place under difficult circumstances – I think he’s done a stellar job for the team this weekend.”
Driver of the Championship
James: “Who’s your Driver of the Championship?”
Martin: “… Thanks for that little curve ball there, James! Umm, Driver of the Championship … you’ve gotta give it to Michael, haven’t you? Other people under pressure didn’t deliver enough pace or went a bit wobbly in the head, made silly mistakes ; and although he had a good attempt at that today, Michael’s the man.”