“One of the best championships I’ve ever commentated on.”
PRE-SEASON TESTING
DAY 1
MORNING
“It’s going to be windy, might even get a little bit sandy.”
(the Alpha Tauri “rake”)
“You could change the diff without jacking it up.”
“You do like them to plug and play like a Scalextric set.”
(Ricciardo’s shoes)
“What colour would you call that? Duck-egg blue or something?”
“I don’t like asking questions in commentary, because I feel like I should know.”
“Looks like a snowplough, the front wings now.”
“Looks a bit like some of my DIY, doesn’t it?”
“A Formula One car goes a very long way in 5 seconds.”
“The problem is three of the races I went to I got hit on the head by a Formula One car, and that didn’t do my memory any good.”
AFTERNOON
“You do expect, these days, the Mercedes to be plug-and-play.”
“Sand was expected here. It is in the desert.”
“If we all liked the same things, we’d be in trouble, wouldn’t we?”
“Unfortunately in Formula One, as in life, really…”
“The car was too scared to not do what Nigel [Mansell] told it to.”
“As soon as that pendulum of engine and gearboxes starts overtaking you, it ain’t coming back.”
Crofty: “For those of you tweeting in about that jagged perspex piece at the front of the car, it’s not for stopping pigeons landing on the car.”
Martin: “Isn’t it(?)”
“Almost all of them cheat through the exit.”
“It’s how skinny it is, actually, that impresses me, rather than how big it is.”
(#HowBigIsBrundlesTelly)
(Ted talks about vacuuming in the Alpha Tauri garage)
“Tell me it was reconstructed in carbon fibre, Ted, it wasn’t just a bog standard Henry?”
“If you do have a plug-and-play car, happy days!”
Crofty: “[People saying on Twitter] Crofty, forget kilometres, I want miles!”
[…]
Martin: “Do you want your fuel in gallons as well?”
Crofty: “#HowBigIsBrundlesTelly is not quite trending at the moment.”
Karun: “It may be by Sunday…!”
Martin: “Have you seen the remote control(?)”
(later)
“Have you seen this app? I can turn my telly on from Bahrain!”
“Come on, let’s pay attention…! It’s been a very long day. And we’ve got two more.”
DAY 2
MORNING
“He’s [Alonso] a matador, isn’t he?”
“Cars we saw last year would have had enough…. stick-tion.”
“It might shake the fillings loose in his teeth, but I doubt he’s [Mazepin] got any fillings.”
Crofty: “At what stage over two days does this feel slightly monotonous?”
Martin: (deadpan) “About 30 minutes in.”
“I was in a McLaren, I was so excited to drive in the British Grand Prix, and I did about 330 metres. I found a little cubby hole at the back of the garage and cried my eyes out. Then they put out a press release saying the engine was fine and I should have carried on! Once they put another 5 litres of oil in it. They forgot to mention that the rear suspension and rear wing had melted.“
“Sort of day when you know whether you really want to be a racing driver or not. Whether you press the throttle a bit harder when you can’t see where you’re going.”
(referring to Italy 2008)
“I asked Pat Fry and Marcin Bodkowski whether it was as good as it looked [yesterday] and if there was anything I need to know? I was told no, but there was plenty I didn’t need to know!”
Martin: “I like Wales. I like Norfolk. I like everywhere.”
[…]
Crofty: “That is today’s hashtag, everyone…”
“Good that Kimi’s staying around, otherwise Lewis would have been the oldest driver on the grid. And now Fernando’s back: Lewis is getting younger every day!”
(Tsunoda runs wide)
“Let’s pretend the track’s a bit wider there.”
“Bit like yesterday with Mercedes: if it could go wrong, it has gone wrong [for Vettel].”
“At least it sounds like it’s got a box full of 8 gears all in the right order.”
AFTERNOON
“The cars are very similar. I do wish they’d compared notes before doing their colour schemes.”
“I was watching a bunch of leaves going to my right and then they turned around and then blew back up the track!”
“The best flow-viz ever was the Turkish Grand Prix, when the cars were so muddy at the end.”
“Sounds like a turbine, doesn’t it, there?”
“Well, that’s our first gesticulation from the cockpit this season!”
“Red Bull will be keen to get those bits and pieces back to analyse them – well, the bits that are not confetti.”
“The Red Bull engine cover looks like a clamshell.”
“That’s a bit like the handbrake’s gone on.”
(Bottas goes out on C4 tyres)
“The moment of truth!”
Martin: “It would be nice to see Perez come out on the soft tyres… when he gets a new engine cover.”
Crofty: “Perez has now come out, but on the C2 tyre.”
Martin: “Well… the night is still young.”
“Front tyres said “you’re having a laugh, I can’t do that!””
(Stroll gets baulked by Schumacher)
“He needs a shovel on the front of it there from his sponsor, JCB: just shovel them out of the way!”
Crofty: “If you want to read the 2022 regulations, they are on the FIA website.”
Martin: “91 pages. And I was halfway through before I realised I’d downloaded the 2022 regulations rather than the 2021 ones.”
(testing is stopped early to allow some practice starts)
“Do you reckon I’d get away with a quick gridwalk now?”
DAY 3
MORNING
“He [Murray] loved everything about Formula One, and Formula One loved him.”
“How brilliant do you have to be where you’re quite well known for getting things wrong!”
“Superlative was not a good enough word for Murray.”
“Fat with 110kg of fuel, like sticking a heavy passenger in the car.”
(discussing changes to practice)
“Can you imagine a referee blowing a whistle and nobody kicking a ball for 20 minutes?”
“Pierre Gasly makes me laugh. He’s decided he doesn’t like the angle of the track at turn four, so he’s about 2 metres outside of it on the way in, and 3 metres outside on the way out.”
“One corner to go if you get it right, two corners to go if you get it wrong.”
“Maximise your minimum apex speed, which sounds a bit confusing but makes sense to me.”
(Martin does an impression of Murray)
“Unless I’m very much mistaken… and I am very much mistaken!”
“To quote Zak Brown, “Lando’s gawt his A gaaaame.””
(dear Martin, please never do an American accent again!)
“Can say I say something there, as a grumpy old bloke…”
“Put a bike rack on the wing and a basket on the back and you could drive it [these turbo hybrid cars] all day, they’re so benign.”
“These cars would pull the skin off a rice pudding.”
(following Ted’s mention on the “Accidental Partridge” (@AccidentalP) Twitter account)
Crofty: “Enough said about Norfolk’s finest broadcasters: here’s Martin Brundle(!)”
Martin: “I don’t like Alan Partridge.”
Crofty: “He likes you, though, he’s written about you in his book twice!”
Martin: “Yes… he is very funny.”
“What do you reckon that front wing is worth, that they’re just trying to crowbar on there?”
“It’s Formula One jewellery, isn’t it?”
(Crofty talks about a front wing designer who says he can never watch a race, because his creations keep being destroyed)
“Thought he would appreciate the overtime!”
AFTERNOON
(trackside)
“We were in just the right place to see Tsunoda come down the hill sideways.”
(the sun is setting and it looks huge)
“Looks like you’re going to run into the sun!”
“Talk about happy hour – this is your favourite drink, this one, Crofty, Malibu and Lucozade, a new set of soft tyres for Lewis!”
“Two-pedal cars, of course: stop and go. Like a kart.”
“Rest assured, I’m not going to stop thinking anything I think!”
“I was at McLaren, and I won’t say who, but they wanted the names on the jumpers, and they realised that they would be looking down and saying “hello Dave, how’s it going”, so they started swapping jumpers, and they started calling everybody by the wrong names! And of course, the powers that be didn’t realise!”
“His [Simon’s] bag looks like Mary Poppins’ bag on a bad day!”
“The bag’s gonna turn up here one day having lost Simon, isn’t it?”
“I think they should take two tenths off his [Tsunoda’s] time just for the white wheels, to be honest! I like the white wheels.”
“That engine’s too young to smoke.”
“Feels a bit like Quali, doesn’t it?”
Martin’s assessment of testing:
High: Red Bull, Alpha Tauri, McLaren
Low: Aston Martin, Mercedes
Middle: Alpine, Ferrari, Haas, Williams, Alfa Romeo
(n.b. not a pecking order, just an assessment of who’s had a good/bad test)
(Sainz and Raikkonen collide on the in lap)
“Young Sainz doesn’t look very happy, I suspect! I thought he was going to tip him off!”
SEASON PREVIEW
“I’m sad, of course, that we’ve lost Murray, but I think it’s really about celebrating a great man, a world class commentator, a national treasure in the UK, a legend in the paddock of Formula One, and just such a great broadcaster. You know, he was 97 when he died, he was pin sharp up until almost the very end, and I think it was a life well lived and well loved, and we’ll miss him, but he didn’t half make a difference while he was here.”
“George, I know that you’re easily bright enough and grounded enough to soak as much knowledge as you can out of Jenson.”
BAHRAIN
QUALIFYING
“We saw Lewis doing some “personal adjustments” there.”
“All he [Russell] can do is drive the wheels off it, and keep the wheels on it.”
“It’s almost as if the steering wheel was connected to the rear axle rather than the front.”
“The car [Aston Martin] looks very stiff. There’s not many bumps here; the car doesn’t ride them.”
“Have Mercedes left the sandbags out?”
“There’s a little shortcut down to turn 1 and turn 2. Why not use that if you’re allowed to make your own track up?”
(the track limits crusade continues)
(Ricciardo’s lap is deleted)
“Bang to rights, officer!”
“I’ve never had a car with white wheels, but I want one now!”
“Downshift, downshift, downshift, brake.”
“It looks like a Mercedes-Benz Formula One car again, doesn’t it?”
RACE
“Without Murray, I think Formula One would be a lesser place than it is now.”
“One of my phrases in commentary was “I think you’ll find, Murray…” – you never wanted to score points off him.”
(still on Murray)
“Definitely a man who realised that people prefer honey to vinegar.”
“Leclerc really can stand up in the seat.”
(huh?)
“You’ve got a car the same size as an SUV. 5 metres long, 2 metres wide.”
“We do not like Haases going into the barrier coming out of that corner.”
“There’s absolutely no point in flying off the road when you’re in the slowest car on the grid.”
“Can we have a racing lap please?”
“This was a bit of braille passing from Sainz.”
“Only 13-inch wheel rims, actually. Much smaller than any road car. Apart from a Mini Metro.”
“He’s done a Control-Alt-Delete, and off he went.”
“Sainz has just passed the equivalent of six world champions in four corners.”
“Cream and almonds, that was just perfect, wasn’t it?”
(Otmar Szafnauer complains about the rule changes)
Ted: “If you’d asked Otmar Szafnauer what he had for breakfast…”
[…]
Martin: “Shredded rake?”
“The wonderful thing about live sport, isn’t it, we’re going to have to wait and see!”
(Hamilton runs wide out of turn four)
“Hello? Welcome to the track, Lewis.”
(discussion on whether the 21st century began in 2000 or 2001)
Crofty: “What did we celebrate on Millennium eve?”
Martin: “I had a hell of a party so I wasn’t quite sure where I was.”
“As Murray used to say, catching is one thing, getting past is quite another.”
“Like Crocodile Dundee – “you call that a knife?” – “you call that a wide car?”!”
Sebastian Vettel: “Why did he have to change line? I lock up, he changes line.”
Martin: “No he didn’t, Seb.”
“I don’t know what “I’m coming to get you” in Dutch is, but that’s what Verstappen will be thinking.”
“This was Red Bull’s race to lose, and they lost it.”
“It might look a bit samey, that podium, but it was a lot more fun getting there.”
“I wouldn’t want to be in Max Verstappen’s debrief this evening.”
EMILIA ROMAGNA
QUALIFYING
“He’s [Ted] like our balsamic vinegar, isn’t he – much nicer than he first appears! And delicious.”
“As basic as old tyres and a conveyor belt seem, they do a very good job.”
“He can take more speed into the corner, carry more speed into the apex […] it’s right! If you’re a driver who can carry that speed and stay within the confines of the track, you should be rewarded for it!”
“It’s a bit frustrating for us when a couple of teams are like “we’re gonna run what we brung”.”
“He [Tsunoda] has a lot of potential, but not a lot of potential against that wall.”
“Those corners are in the same place every lap.”
“Rivazza 2: arrive and drive.”
(Variante Alta)
“It’s like a hop, a skip, and a jump.”
“Turn 1 doesn’t really exist.”
“Quite a short lap here, as you’ve probably worked out with them getting round in 75 seconds.”
“These cars cling on like limpets to the outside of the track.”
“All four wheels off the ground; that would make a great still.”
“The grass is dry out there, but it’s “suboptimal”, I believe they say.”
(Norris’s track limits)
“Guilty as charged, your honour, from that angle.”
(Davide Valsecchi is doing the interviews)
“Hope he’s got his rev limiter switched on.”
RACE
“They [Verstappen] could have and should have won in Bahrain, and could and should have been on pole here.”
“Daniel Ricciardo […] said you [Sainz] dress like a 60-year old man. There’s nothing wrong with 60 year old men…!”
“I’m shaking with cold standing here at the front of the grid.”
(do you mean shivering?)
“You can’t go in there half-heartedly; like a rugby or a soccer tackle, you’ll get hurt.”
“It’ll be a magical mystery tour.”
“They start with 110kg of fuel, that’s like having a very heavy passenger onboard.”
“That was just the perfect… “leaving the supermarket” style.”
“The pit straight is anything but straight.”
“What’s that feature I used to do? You must be on the right tyres at the right time.”
“Hindsight’s a wonderful thing.”
(Ricciardo is asked to let Norris through)
“I imagine Daniel might not speak English there for a little while.”
“You’re never that popular with the stewards when you spin when the double waved yellow flags are out.”
“He was just trying to menace Vettel off the road there.”
“It was never going to make the apex, was it, in a month of Sundays?”
“It’s lucky that Perez wasn’t on his roof there, actually.”
“Ambition well ahead of adhesion there.”
PORTUGAL
QUALIFYING
(the track limits crusade continues)
“You cannot have a variable field of play.”
Martin: “Alpine started life as the Toleman team, who had their first race 40 years ago today. Toleman, Benetton, Renault, Lotus Renault…”
Crofty: “Lotus on their own, Renault on their own, Alpine…”
[…]
Martin: “Did I mention Benetton…?”
“He was wrestling it like he was fighting an octopus.”
“Lights up the rear tyres, and suddenly his engine and gearbox was overtaking him.”
“That’s where they say their stomach is going, like a rollercoaster.”
“They don’t call him [Russell] Mr Saturday for no good reason.”
(cheekily)
“Did your heart sink a little bit when Lewis got into the 1:17s, Christian?”
(Crofty asks just what Martin said to Bottas in their interview)
“I said “don’t give a… stuff about it.””
RACE
(Ricciardo goes wide)
“Hello? Welcome back to the track, Daniel.”
(Crofty compares the elevation changes to the Big Dipper at Blackpool)
“I’ll take your word for that, Crofty…!”
“We can’t see it [dirty air], but his aerodynamic furniture certainly can.”
“The Alpha Tauri should have a world championship point just for the white wheels.”
(Verstappen with a huge lock-up coming into the pits)
“Ooh! Well, it doesn’t matter about those, does it?”
“Such a long camera angle, I thought the Red Bull had slowed down.”
“He’s just been on the radio asking for more power. You always want more power, more grip, more money…”
Lewis Hamilton: “There’s still a lot of work to do.”
[…]
Martin: “For a work-in-progress project, it doesn’t look too shabby, does it?”
SPAIN
QUALIFYING
“I didn’t actually recognise him with his mask on: “is that Ron [Meadows]?”; I’ve known him for decades!”
“If your car is half a kilogram, you will be absolutely excluded from this event. That’s how precise this sport is. You cannot have the drivers make up their own field of play! […] Just have a look on YouTube at IndyCar, Austin, COTA in 2019, Turn 19, if you want to see ridiculous it would look if we let these guys make up their own race track.”
“Ayrton Senna […] knew how much grip there was before he turned into the corner, whereas we knew through and after the corner…! He had this sixth sense of where the grip was going to be.”
“The grid here is more important than Monaco.”
“It’s pretty bog standard, meat ‘n’ two veg, Formula One track.”
“A few people sent me some tweets, “I’m coming to get you” in Dutch, but I couldn’t read it!”
“Now you just need to hop, skip, and jump over these kerbs.”
(Norris comes across a traffic jam)
“Now, we Brits love queuing, but Lando did not need to be queueing there. […] We’ve waited years for this, Crofty! (cuts to replay) Not this traffic jam.”
(Latifi goes over a kerb)
“Remembering that Nicholas Latifi’s sitting on the floor of that car, that makes my eyes water.”
Nicholas Latifi: “My left hand side mirror is cracked.”
Martin: “Seven years’ bad luck.”
“Once again… second blood to Bottas.”
“I started to say this is what we’ve been waiting for, but then we cut to a chaotic shot of Lando Norris navigating the M25.”
“Like hot knife through no butter.”
“Slightly menacing, I thought, actually – what was that “I’m coming to get you” in Dutch again?”
“I need to apologise to Williams. I had the Mercedes gearbox in the back of their car 7 months early.”
“76 seconds to heaven, then, for one of these drivers today.”
RACE
(Hamilton qualifying masterclass)
“Your eyes are the last thing to recognise you’re sliding.”
[…]
“This looks like it’s on fast forward to me in certain parts.”
[..]
“Watching this makes my buttocks clench, for want of a better description…!”
“Verstappen with razor blades on his elbows.”
“Then it’s dan dare on the brakes.”
(Leclerc around the outside of Bottas at turn three)
“That’s very much “a Fernando Alonso” he’s done there.”
“We’re going to see more of the full safety car this year: it’s got sponsorship on it.”
(Alfa Romeo have a puncture on a tyre about to go on)
“It’s going to weigh the same, whether it’s got any air in it or not.“
“Lewis has got to pass Mazepin now… not always the easiest driver to pass…”
(later)
“They’re coming up to lap Mazepin, which is always fun.”
“3 laps from now, Lewis will be checking out the gearbox bolts on the Red Bull.”
“One thing to catch, it’s another thing to pass, to quote the great Murray Walker.”
“It’s about now I normally say “thank goodness for Max Verstappen”, isn’t it?”
“Normally I’m saying “what’s Dutch for “I’m coming to get you”?”
“Yee-ha!”
“Right rear a bit slow off… and on again.”
(Bottas is told Hamilton is coming up behind him)
“”You got any good news for me?””
“It’s Lewis Hamilton’s best ever start to any of his Formula One seasons. Bit ominous, isn’t it?”
MONACO
QUALIFYING
(Schumacher won’t the part due to a practice crash)
“His dad had a fake crash here in Qualifying, didn’t he?”
“That 107% is to cut any… rubbish out that are not credibly fast.”
“They are saying 30% chance of rain, which of course means a 70% chance of not raining.”
(Crofty lists hotel prices at each of the corners, ranging between £17k and £26k)
“And the funny thing is they don’t even have kettles in them.“
“He [Sainz] is easily the best teammate Verstappen ever had in the Red Bull family.”
(I’m assuming Martin forgot about Ricciardo!)
“A hop, a skip, and hopefully not a jump.”
(discussion on potential rain and track conditions)
“It’s normally the beer that’s trickling across the road from Rascasse.”
“That Ferrari was so hooked up coming onto the pit straight it just sat its tail down and went.”
“Three wheels on his wagon, effectively, and just a little ski slope to help him on his way to the barriers.”
RACE
“I don’t think I’ve ever been so worried about somebody else’s gearbox.”
“They put all their money on red […] and it came up black.”
“Pretty good driving. Normally you see a confetti of carbon fibre.”
“Perez may just be fed up with the gearbox of that Aston Martin.”
(Schumacher passes Mazepin at the hairpin)
“It’s the sort of move his dad would make. A bit of braille passing there.”
(if the race were to stop now, Verstappen would lead the championship)
“I’ve heard of the commentators’ curse, but that’s the graphics curse, isn’t it?”
“Confirmation that Perez is the fastest man… or the man prepared to go the fastest.”
“They’ve got the planned area of a Range Rover, basically: 2 metres wide and 5 metres long.”
“He [Christian Horner in 2006] said “I will jump naked in the swimming pool if we get on the podium”, and I said “DC will get on the podium, he’s good around here”, and he said he’d jump naked in the swimming pool if he got on the podium, and then I told the entire world, according to him, and he’s not forgiven me.”
“Lewis has kind of lost interest in his race.”
“You’d be going a long time in a 78-lap race and they’d hang your pit board out and say “50 laps to go”, and you’d be like “you’re kidding me”.”
AZERBAIJAN
Martin was not in Azerbaijan; Paul di Resta commentated instead.
FRANCE
QUALIFYING
“The key thing is not to run wide in turn two, you’ll rip the front wing off – and that’s a good thing.”
“The gearbox has lost interest in the session.”
“He’s got a box full of neutrals.”
(pit lane queue)
“You never see that many cars together in leafy Norfolk […] unless they’re heading out to the coast.”
“Those lines make my eyes go wonky.”
“I’m not sure Valtteri troubled the racing line through the final corner there.”
“Another hop, skip, and jump chicane.”
“Signes: absolutely harry flatters.”
(Ted explains why Tom Stallard keeps calling Ricciardo “Darren”)
(to Crofty) “I’m going to start calling you Dave, I know you don’t like that!”
“It’s always confusing, because you see them creeping around on the outlap and on the fast lap they say “my tyres weren’t up to temperature!””
(Crofty reads out some AWS stats)
“Data coming from somewhere. I don’t know where it’s collected from and how it’s calculated, that one…”
“Lewis needs those green wellington boots he had on yesterday.”
RACE
“It’s a grid walk, but no grid talk.”
“Drivers are basically heating engineers – highly paid heating engineers.”
“Some of those people […] on anti-social media…”
“The tyres don’t like being pushed down the track without rotating.”
“A track with a kaleidoscope of colour and so much psychedelic run-off.”
“I’m completely over Mercedes-Benz chassis numbers this weekend.”
“Thank goodness when you’re driving around here you don’t see the stripes as much.”
(Hamilton reports front graining)
“Paul at race control is telling me Lewis is struggling with his left rear as well. There’s not many [tyres] left now!”
“I’d sound like I was sucking on helium […] if I had those two [Hamilton & Bottas] in my mirrors.”
“If you get it wrong, that would be an airplane crash.”
(the two Red Bulls swap positions)
“Perez almost left the stadium to let him through.”
“Wouldn’t pass an MOT with those [tyres], would you?”
“Do you know when someone says to you “do you want the good news or the bad news first?” Valtteri didn’t get any good news there.”
“What was that Dutch for “I’m coming to get you”?”
(to Verstappen)
“Did you enjoy that as much as we did?”
“It’s going to be one of the all-time great seasons.”
STYRIA
QUALIFYING
“The track temperature, 56° – that’s as hot as we see in the middle east!”
“Over the blind crest, and [turn] 9 will come up and smack you in the face.”
Valtteri Bottas: “[bleep] Tsunoda. [bleep] idiot.”
[…]
Martin: “Racing drivers learn their English in the paddock, in the motor racing paddock – unfortunately.”
(there’s a traffic jam on the outlap)
“What’s that gentleman’s agreement that we won’t overtake each other when we’re queuing up in Qualifying?”
RACE
“The winner’s trophy must be between 50 and 65cm high, and weigh no more than 5kg. We don’t want our little darlings on the podium struggling to lift them up or dropping them on their foot, do we? Now, second and third, of course, have to be smaller to remind you that you lost. And as a man who’s got 10 Formula One podium trophies at home, all second and third places, I can tell you how much that hurts.”
(Red Bull mechanics stand around the back end)
“They really don’t want us to see that, but it’s our job to have a look.”
(the aerodynamic graffiti on the side of the Alpine)
“Look at this. It’s not pedestrian-friendly, is it? Looks like a shark, almost. You wouldn’t want to get run over by that.”
“We’re running out of time, but we haven’t run out of ideas.”
“You don’t get some beautiful green countryside as we’ve had around here without plenty of rain.”
“It’s a 245-metre run down to— in fact, up to the first corner.”
“It’s suspension damage as well: goodnight, take a shower.”
“They were all trying to navigate around Gasly, who had three wheels on his wagon at that time.”
(Crofty says we should get a cow to see whether it’s going to rain or not)
“And you believe in the tooth fairy and all that as well, do you?”
“Max’s tyres are so rubbish, he’s done a new fastest lap.”
Max Verstappen: “The wind makes it difficult.”
Martin: “That’s why they pay you the big bucks.”
(Raikkonen passes Vettel)
“Life in the old boy yet.”
“Fair and square: beaten to pole, beaten to the first corner, beaten to the chequered flag.”
AUSTRIA
Martin did not commentate in Austria; Paul di Resta commentated instead.
UNITED KINGDOM
FREE PRACTICE ONE
“I find Ted’s voice so relaxing.”
“I spent most of my career in a rut in Formula One.“
“There is a Brundle corner at Snetterton now. […] “Hamilton straight” seems a bit lacklustre, doesn’t it?”
“The Abbey corner is taken at speeds I cannot conceive.”
Lewis Hamilton: “7 tenths? Where’s that come from?”
[…]
Martin: “Well, it’s either the car or the driver, isn’t it? A shortcut, he needs to find.”
QUALIFYING
“I was on the podium here in 1992, Nigel was talking about it, and I’ll never forget, someone held out a baby to get me to stop in my Benetton because they wanted my autograph!”
“We do seem to have an “adopt-a-driver” mentality.”
(Norris’s onboard camera freezes)
“It was so fast, the camera couldn’t keep up there.”
“There’s chaos going on ahead of us. Get out of our way, now!”
(Verstappen has a tank slapper)
Gianpiero Lambiasi: “Well caught.”
Martin: “I mean, we know he’s rubbish at cricket, don’t we…”
“Mr Saturday. Is he any good on a Friday?”
“Looked like a fruit machine, the way the times were tumbling around.”
“Luffield’s a long right hander that’s already a bit longer than you remember it last time.”
“As we head towards Copse: if you get this wrong, you’ll be in Northampton.”
“You wouldn’t want to be stuck on the side of the motorway with Hamilton going past, would you?”
“Into Vale… (camera cuts to a poster) Hello? Hello?”
(tongue-in-cheek…)
“Russell was only a tenth and a half off 4th…!”
SPRINT
““Will not take any risks”, they said, “it’s not worth it, it’ll just be a train”, they said…”
Crofty: “This is what happened to Nikita Mazepin, he touched with his teammate, Mick Schumacher.” (and spun)
Martin: “Kind of inevitable, in a way, wasn’t it?”
“You have to leave a car’s width. I always think it should be a car’s width and a little bit.”
“By regulation, these cars are 2 metres wide. Fernando Alonso’s about 6 metres wide right now.”
“I think we should stop pretending this is not a race. It looks like a race to me. It started like a race, it continues like a race, and they’ll wave a funny little black and white cloth at the end.”
“You’d always want Fernando alongside you in a fight, wouldn’t you?”
Crofty: “Is he going to try and get past Alonso in Maggots and Becketts?”
Martin: “No. That would be an airplane crash if they touch.”
“Combined age of 74 years, Vettel and Alonso. […] Mind you, a lot of 74-year-olds drive very nicely as well. Not too far away on that myself… stupid comment!”
“I’m all done with checking up on myself and not calling it a race. That was a race.”
“If it looks like a duck, quacks like a duck, it is a duck.”
(the drivers climb aboard the victory truck)
“I thought they were being locked up and taken away there for a moment.”
“Lewis is not going to enjoy this extremely long lap of Silverstone, is he?”
RACE
“I had an expression: look but never stare.”
“Verstappen was, literally, on fire yesterday, in terms of his driving and his brakes.”
“Verstappen’s going to have to weave like crazy.”
“It was a punchy first lap— well, first half-lap.”
“Leclerc will be very happy leading a Grand Prix. He knows how to lead a Grand Prix. He knows how to win a Grand Prix.”
Xavier Marcos: “We need driver default Alpha 5-6 on, 5-6 on, and everything should be fine now.”
Martin: “… and keep Lewis Hamilton behind you!”
“Leclerc, heading down there towards Copse, will be thinking he’s by himself!”
“Leclerc, I’m surprised he’s not out there going “is the race finished?””
“You’ve got to be within punching range for a fight, haven’t you?”
“It’s almost like a total reset, almost like we’re starting the season again.”
HUNGARY
Martin was not in Hungary; Nico Rosberg commentated instead.
BELGIUM
QUALIFYING
“Spa was thinking “you think you’ve had a great first half of the season? You think it’s been fast? You think it’s been unpredictable? Then try this for a laugh.””
Natalie: “I think, given the weather here, there might be a few fans who are just happy to stay at home and watch it on television, an absolute deluge now!”
Martin: “Well, you’re missing the glamour of Formula One here today(!)”
(Latifi spins, ruining Russell’s lap)
“Ken Tyrrell never used to let us go out near each other because of exactly that.”
“We know the mirrors on these things are pretty useless at the best of times. In these conditions, where there’s a ball of spray going out the back, they’re about as useful as a chocolate fireguard.”
“Good reactions there from Lewis Hamilton; where’s the surprise in that?”
“Norris is really at home in these conditions, like a typical British racing weekend, isn’t it, so Brits – and Japanese drivers – tend to be extremely good in wet conditions.”
“There’ll be icicles on the top of that kerb, it was so high.”
“There’s the karting line, then there’s the wall of death, and that was right on the wall of death.”
“It’s the sudden stop that really hurts.”
(on Norris’s crashed car)
“I don’t know if that’s a rebuild or a skip, to be honest.”
“The throttle works both ways.”
(Russell qualifies 2nd)
“Give us a job, Toto.”
RACE | (the race that wasn’t)
“You can’t do a half-hearted tackle.”
(on Norris)
“As I said in commentary at the time […] it’s the sudden stop that hurts. […] That’s a champion’s crash, as far as I’m concerned.”
“Bizarrely, I can see my son on the big screen showing a lap of George Russell for Formula One Television.”
“If you were with us on Friday for practice, well done.”
(walking through Perez’s empty grid spot)
“That’s a little bit of real estate that sort of brings a tear to your eye, isn’t it?”
“I’ve been going to Grands Prix since the mid-60s, I’ve been to way more than 550 or so, I’ve never been to such a, weather-wise, consistently miserable Grand Prix.”
“There’s a missing tooth on the grid, isn’t there?”
“You can’t even see your steering wheel sometimes, you’re listening out, you’re on hyper mode, and then it all starts to slow down and the spray dies down, and it’s like somebody’s switched the lights on, and often you then accelerate further into the corner because you’re not as far as you think you are.”
(it was such a long race, by the way, that Martin came up with a variation of this later on as well)
Martin: “The older drivers – they’re not “older”, there’s nobody old out there, really, what, Fernando’s just turned 40, didn’t he?”
Crofty: “Kimi’s 41, yep.”
Martin: “Yeah, but the rest of them haven’t long been shaving, by the looks of them.”
“We used to start races in these conditions. I’m thinking Suzuka ’94, was a shocker, Adelaide ’89, the one where Senna was leading and then ran into the back of some guy in a Brabham.”
Pierre Gasly: “Can you give me a couple of sausages? Some sausages for me? With the barbeque. But is the race still going to last for 2 hours, or not, or…”
Pierre Hamelin: “Are you thinking about your dinner?”
Pierre Gasly: “I was thinking that we might need some lights.”
Crofty: “But the question has to come back from the pit wall there, Martin: do you want red sauce, brown sauce, or no sauce at all? I would be intrigued to know.”
Martin: “I’m assuming French mustard!”
(on whether Perez can start)
“I’ve just texted Michael Masi. I’m not expecting a reply.”
(later)
“I did get a reply from Michael Masi! “No.””
“He’s obliged to be within 10 car lengths of the safety car […] it doesn’t say which car, actually, does it, it doesn’t say whether it’s a stretch limo…(!)”
(discussing whether the race can be run on Monday)
“I’ve got a flexibus ticket for my motorbike.”
“I’m too old school to be part of this decision, to be honest.”
“I often talk about looking out of a Formula One car as like laying back in the bath and looking across the taps.”
(Leclerc sits in the garage alone)
“Looks like he hasn’t got any friends.”
Crofty: “That’s Esteban Ocon, and the man to his right, your left, James, his PR man from the team, he actually woke up on Monday morning after the Hungarian Grand Prix with the winner’s trophy from the Hungarian Grand Prix in bed with him, he was cuddling it; he sent me a picture, he was the one charged at Alpine wth keeping that trophy safe after the celebrations that went on.”
Martin: “Whatever lights your fire.”
Crofty: “Not sure how many of the 10 trophies that you took from a Formula One podium back home with you ever made it to your bedside on a Monday morning? I mean, you took home 10; you were only allowed to keep nine of them, remember.”
Martin: “I’ve got all 10, actually!”
Crofty: “Have you!?”
Martin: “Yes.”
Crofty: “You never, ever gave the trophy back!?”
Martin: “No! Because… it’s a very long story I’m not going to bore people with now. […] I don’t exist for 1984, at all. I never raced. I’m always credited with 158 races, but I did more than that. I do not exist. And alongside the trophy are three massive chrome screws with which they put my foot back on my leg after my Dallas shunt in 1984, so I’ve got the chrome screws next door to the trophy to prove I did exist that year.”
(ed: 158 starts is correct, those DSQs are included)
Martin: “I don’t know who is Peter Perfect out there, or Dick Dastardly, or… this is the Wacky Races, isn’t it, completely Wacky Races. Who’s the Ant Hill Mob?”
Crofty: “That’ll be us.”
(Bernd Maylander is on his phone whilst sat in the safety car)
“He’s placing a bet on him winning this race, I think.”
(Sky are about to re-show the Mick Schumacher driving Michael’s 1991 Jordan feature)
“I feel a window for making a cup of tea coming on.”
“I never expected, ever, in my commentary career, to be debating whether or not a race has started. It’s extraordinary. Anyone got Professor Pat Pending’s number on speed dial? He might know, from the Wacky Races.”
(Crofty asks about the point for fastest lap)
“My brain’s hurting already, to be honest.”
“The throttle works both ways.”
Crofty: “If I’d have brought my swimming trunks, I could have gone swimming in them [the puddles] by the end of today, it’s getting very, very sodden.”
Martin: “People have had a bad enough day, Crofty, they don’t need that vision to go into Sunday evening with!”
“We’re coming up to an hour and a minute to go… before– well, what will they wave? The “surrender” flag? Or what?”
“This has just reminded me of Austin. Do you remember, when we waited four hours for qualifying to start, but it never did?”
(the medical car nearly crashes)
“Oops! I wouldn’t want to see that in the barriers. That would just about finish the day off, wouldn’t it?”
“If you had a heart attack, it’s Alan Van Der Merwe you’d want to turn up in the ambulance, isn’t it? You’d have another heart attack on the way there to the hospital, but you’d be there quickly.”
“My heart just sunk a little bit. I’ve just remembered I’ve got to write a 1500-word column for Sky Sports F1 tomorrow on this… somehow. It’ll be a good column, won’t it(?) How shall I open it?”
“I could still make the 21:50 “chunnel”, but the next one’s 22:50, that’s what’s bothering me, but if we get a race underway, I’ll swim the channel, I don’t mind.”
“I will never, ever forget that radio call of “has this race started?””
“When we first got going, some time earlier in our lives…”
“What a miserable day. What a miserable day. Oh no. I’m sorry, everybody, I’m really sorry that we haven’t brought you a race.”
(Honda start celebrating)
“They think it’s all over.”
“That was quite bizarre, wasn’t it?”
THE NETHERLANDS
Martin did not commentate in The Netherlands; Jenson Button commentated instead.
ITALY
QUALIFYING
“Who doesn’t like a good race?”
“Ease it through Curva Grande. This used to be a terrifying corner in a turbo-charged F1 car. Now it’s just somewhere to hang on to.”
“Hop, a skip, and a jump.”
“Oh dear. Oh dear, oh dear.”
(F1, chuckle brothers edition)
“That was never going to slow down in a month of Sundays.”
“It’s a funny old business, isn’t it?”
“P45 in the week, P1 today.”
SPRINT
(Leclerc is unwell)
Ted: “If you’ve got a funny feeling going on down low, stop what you’re doing and go go go!”
Martin: “Marvellous(.)”
“You’ve beautifully answered your own question, Ted.”
“It’s a bit like going back to junior racing.”
“The last man you want in your mirrors […] is Fernando Alonso on a charge.”
“If I was ever in battle, I’d want Fernando Alonso alongside me.”
“It’s normally about now when Valtteri says the “to whom it may concern” message.”
“I’d much rather watch that than Free Practice 3.”
“I hate those half points from Spa. Looks so messy on the board!”
RACE
(driving the 1961 Ferrari)
“Better take it easy so I remember which way the track goes.”
(on the grid, highlighting the brake warmers)
“That’s like a fancy hairdryer, basically.”
“After the crash in the sprint, of course, the list of parts they changed on Gasly’s car was as long as your arm.”
“Max wasn’t exactly going over to check if Lewis was OK, was he?”
“Senna once landed on my shoulder at Oulton Park.”
“Daniel Ricciardo’s won 7 Grands Prix. He knows what to do.”
“McLaren vs Ferrari!? Sounds familiar from a long time ago!”
“Get your skid lid off, Daniel, we want to see that smile!”
“The honey badger. Ooh, are we going to see a shoey?”
RUSSIA
Martin did not commentate in Russia; Paul di Resta commentated instead.
TURKEY
Martin did not commentate in Turkey; Jenson Button commentated instead.
UNITED STATES
QUALIFYING
“He [Toto Wolff] ended up challenging me to a duel around the Austin Grand Prix circuit […] well, let’s say he finished in the top two.”
(Zak Brown is having a tattoo done of the Monza circuit)
Zak Brown: “It feels like he must be doing the lines in a bigger way…?”
Martin: “Yeah, he just had a lock-up into the first chicane.”
[…]
“Can you throw some body piercing in with this?”
“Valtteri is having a video game of a lap.”
(Vettel gets on the radio during the first sector)
“Surprised with the steering wheel turning that much he could find the button.”
“We saw with that sombrero there which looked like a traffic cone…”
“See? It does pay to be a nice guy.”
“20 corners, 3.6 miles, you only need a quarter of a second, how hard can it be(?)”
“I imagine Lewis Hamilton will be treating Sergio Perez like the hind legs of a donkey.”
“What a cracking qualifying that was, I enjoyed that!”
RACE
“Our grid walk is back. Let’s see how it goes.”
“My first driver on the grid for two seasons! How exciting is that? Well, it is for me, anyway.”
“Something we’ve talked a lot about is how Mercedes Benz are stalling out their undertrays […] all teams have been doing it… not quite back to Ben Hur, but for many, many decades.”
(Martin gets shoved out of the way by Megan Thee Stallion’s bodyguard)
“I can do that, because I did.”
(Martin doorstops Rory McIlroy and Serena Williams)
“Venus wasn’t that keen to talk to me five years ago. I don’t know if I’ll get a double fault or an ace… I don’t want to interrupt her… Serena, may I have a chat? Are you good for a chat? Martin Brundle, British TV…? It’s a double fault! It’s a double fault. OK, let’s see if we can get a hole in one, then.”
“We’re told Ben Stiller doesn’t do media, so we’ll have a go.”
(He gets rejected by Serena Williams for a second time)
“I think it’s game, set, and match.”
“You’d think it was the last lap of the Grand Prix, the way they’re going at it!”
(Verstappen discusses strategy with his engineer)
“”And your lottery numbers are…””
(Raikkonen and Alonso battle)
“What’s their combined age? 80-odd? […] Let’s hope they don’t grow up.”
“All’s fair in love, war, and Formula One.”
“Nearly a day late and a dollar short from Lance there.”
“That’s not going to make the apex in a month of Sundays.”
(Alonso has been getting annoyed by both Alfas all day)
“Wouldn’t want to be an Alfa Romeo salesman in Spain next week.”
“It annoys me when an engineer tells a driver how his tyres feel, and not the other way around!”
“As the great Murray Walker would say, catching is one thing, getting past is quite another.”
(the very, very tall Shaquille O’Neill brings the trophy to the podium)
“He could just hand it up to the podium, couldn’t he?”
MEXICO CITY
QUALIFYING
“One of the best championships I’ve ever commentated on.”
“It’s a world championship, and therefore we need to circulate the world a little bit.”
“It’s 811 metres down to the first corner. Do you even want to be on pole position?”
“You’re just ploughing through the air – the thin air, albeit.”
“It still confuses me a bit: they coast out, and then complain about not having enough tyre temperature on the lap.”
(re Jo Bauer)
“He’s the go-to man, and he’s one of the greatest unsung heroes of modern Formula One, as far as I’m concerned.”
“Which bit of that Red Bull would you be looking at right now as the scrutineer with all those people working on it!?”
Crofty: “It’s going to take more than the 11 minutes available to get Lance back out into Q1. That work will commence after qualifying’s finished, I would have thought.”
Martin: “11 hours might just about cover it.”
(re the stadium section)
“They make their own entertainment, because it’s actually a dull bit of race track, as far as I’m concerned. […] You might sit there two years before you see a credible overtake.”
(a restart time for Q1 is finally given)
“The superglue will be dry on the back of the Red Bull, won’t it?”
Carlos Sainz: “No power.”
Ricardo Adami: “It’s coming.”
[…]
Martin: “The power’s coming” – I imagine Carlos was thinking “so’s Christmas.””
“This is a “yahoo!” part of the race track.”
“Can you remember when there’s been an incident with two cars in the same team going up to the stewards? How does that one work? Your team manager sits there with one driver and then sits with the other driver, does he?”
(Verstappen clobbers a kerb)
“More superglue required.”
“They are also, unsurprisingly, quite see-through, the visor rip-offs.”
“Square-on into the barrier, and now has square tyres.”
“It’s a bit of a Noah’s Ark.”
“Valtteri Bottas, the form of his life since he was dropped by Mercedes-Benz!”
“Luckily, no yellow flags – not that he went faster anyway.”
(Red Bull have been bodging up their rear wings all day)
“They were on their back foot going in – on their back wing, actually – going into that, Red Bull.”
“”Might” and “could have” and “would have” and “should have” don’t count. Only the stopwatch counts.”
RACE
“You’re either giving pressure or you’re taking pressure in high-level sport […] you can’t afford a half-hearted tackle.”
“Bit of a wild ride, the Malfoy lookalike. […] He’s going to be extra unhappy when he finds out Megan Thee Stallion’s invited me onto the stage with her at Glastonbury next year.”
“I’m a very lucky person, and we’re lucky on the grid to go up to sportspeople just before they’re about to deliver a world class sporting event and talk to them. You know, you can’t go to David Beckham in the centre circle at Wembley and go “hold on David, just before you kick that ball…”, I can’t talk to Nadal at Wimbledon and go “woah, stop, before your first serve, I need to know how you’re feeling today, how does the court feel to you?” So you know, we have this unique opportunity. I very rarely watch them because that’s my alter ego running up and down and being cheeky, so I’m quite uncomfortable being the story, if I’m honest.”
“Very few celebrities on the grid. It must be illegal, surely!?”
“Dr Helmut Marko, we just spoke to, coming back in there, probably to brief him [Gasly] about what not to say to me.”
(Martin is invited by Travon Free to hold his Oscar, and at the end of the interview…)
Martin: “OK, good luck with that, and thanks for this(!)”
Trevon Free: “Take it(!) It’s yours(!)”
Bodyguard: “Hey, you can’t do that, you know, you can’t do that, and you just did.”
Martin: (laughs) “Somebody’s on it! Somebody’s really on it. I like that!”
“Three into two doesn’t go.”
“Verstappen will need to be as wily as Alonso.”
“Day late and a dollar short on that move.”
“”See you, wouldn’t want to be you.””
“Max will be told off shortly for going too fast.”
“It’s a brutal stat, that he’s [Verstappen] never won a single seater championship, but he did come into Formula One when he was 17…! […] What do they say? Lies, damn lies, and statistics.”
“Daniel was defending fresh air there, a little bit.”
“Wait for the crowd: Sergio Perez leads the race!”
“A great stop, as you say, Ted, and nobody in the world knows better than you on Formula One pit stops.”
“Norris will win the fleet operators’ award for tyre preservation.”
“The race whizzed past. I was disappointed when it ended, actually.”
(Verstappen’s car is lifted up to the podium)
“There’s a bit of insurance sitting on that lift!”
SAO PAULO
QUALIFYING
(interview with Verstappen)
“Hungary, where you were used as a snooker ball in the first corner…”
(discussing the start in Mexico)
“Whatever the plan was, it didn’t work out, did it(?)”
“You have to take more notice of Lewis’s right foot than his words.”
“What have we had, 160, 170 PCRs, things up our nose?”
“That’s what I love about Formula One: can do, will do, must do.”
“I’ve just got the best job in the world, haven’t I?”
Simon: “Valtteri’s been described as the perfect wingman by those in power.”
Martin: “You couldn’t pay a racing driver or a sportsperson any more disrespect than that, could you?”
“I was teammates with Michael and he was absolutely fine with me, but he was faster than me and better than me, especially towards the end of the season, but he could never get the car off the start line, which played into my hands.”
“There’s no I in team, but there is a me.”
“This is just to set the grid for the sprint “qualifying”, as they like to call it – “race”, I think we like to call it.”
(discussing whether to say sprint “race” or not)
“What did Ross Brawn say to me? If it walks like a duck, quacks like a duck, it is a duck.”
“They call the corner “little pine tree”. Presumably it’s a big pine tree now, all these decades later.”
“Tumbling around like a fruit machine at the end there.”
“It still confuses me, because they have to go so slowly to find the space and then they talk about not having enough tyre temperature later on.”
SPRINT
(Verstappen was fined for touching Hamilton’s car after qualifying)
“Go and sit in it? You could have a good look round it, it’d be well worth the 50 grand.”
“I know a lot of people who don’t like the sprint format, I know a lot of people who do like it, but every time, it’s been worth watching.”
(there’s a pause between the awards for Verstappen and Bottas)
“Is it over?”
RACE
(interview with Verstappen)
“You made that crazy move around the outside of Nico Rosberg at Turn 3 [in 2016]. I had my eyes closed.”
(to Stroll, on the grid)
“I’m sure I’ve bothered you briefly before. […] Tell us something we don’t know.”
“What would they do if the safety car was speeding through the pit lane?”
“He was a day late and a dollar short, wasn’t he?”
Sergio Perez: “Get Max to give me DRS.”
Martin: “That’s a difficult one, isn’t it? “Hey Max, go a bit slower please!””
“We head down the pit straight one more time. It’s not very straight, is it?”
“Let’s look at the rear wing of Lewis Hamilton. Scrutineers were looking at that all day.”
QATAR
QUALIFYING
“Thankfully, a stat has never pressed the throttle in a Formula One car.”
“The way those secondary kerbs are dismantling the underneath of those Formula One cars… I certainly wouldn’t want to be going over those having fallen off a motorbike.”
“Fernando reminding me very much of the Fernando of… well, is it “of old”?”
“There’s always a Grand Prix “last weekend” these days, isn’t there?”
“We’re going to see a nice rematch of Gasly v Alonso. They were pretty brutal against each other in Brazil last weekend!”
RACE
(having just disagreed with Verstappen’s penalty)
“By the way, I’d like to say I massively support the yellow flag rules and penalties, I really do. Sorry, I’m going off piste… as indeed was Max Verstappen in turn four in Brazil.
(on Verstappen’s move in Brazil)
“It was a professional foul, as far as I was concerned. It was the equivalent of somebody running towards an open goal and you just stick your foot out a little bit.”
“Lewis will know full well if Fernando’s got half a chance of leading this race, he’ll take it.”
(there’s a mix-up as to who starts 5th)
“I’ve been on this grid 37, 38 years, I’ve never seen anything like it…! We just had Mercedes and Ferrari turning up at P5 on the grid here!”
“The deal is, if you come on the grid, you have a chat. […] I’m already being asked not to; as you know, that doesn’t usually stop me.”
“How’s your day going? Is that roast lunch OK at home?”
(on the day Ole Gunnar Solksjaer was sacked as Manchester United manager)
Martin: “Luckily, we don’t get fired quite as quickly in Formula One, although from time to time we do!”
Peter Schmeichel: “Or in the media!”
“Gasly’s time’s deleted. That’s kind of a “so what?”, really.”
“It is a two-horse race. Well, a horse and a bull.”
“We always say “there was a Grand Prix last weekend” at the moment.”
“Sergio Perez must think there are 30 cars in this race by now.”
“I was on a podium with Gerhard Berger and Mansell. A very old podium, that one.”
SAUDI ARABIA
QUALIFYING
“I want to step back every time I see someone like Verstappen going through turn 22.”
“Like a fruit machine, isn’t it? Like a one-armed bandit with the times going on out there.”
“It takes a bit of time to learn this circuit and be sure the next corner is a quick one, not a slow one.”
“You won’t find too many [gentlemen] when the crash helmet’s on.”
“Oh, hello apex, it’s nice to see you there.”
Martin: “Sweep left… sweep right… sweep left… sweep right…”
[…]
Crofty: “I didn’t know if you were commentating on F1 or curling there.”
“Ambition ahead of adhesion there.”
“That commits him to starting on the soft tyre, which is suboptimal, to use a Formula One expression.”
“How do you do it for the money, Crofty(?)”
“Mercedes need a whole foot, rather than just a tow.”
(tow… toe… geddit?)
RACE
“There are 27 turns here. 26 of them went beautifully.”
(Martin and Damon are driving the circuit in Williams FW07s)
“My only thoughts about 6, 7, 8, 9, and 10 are I’m really scared.”
[…]
“… and for the first time in my life, make the apex.”
[…]
“Let’s see if we fit in the car, shall we?”
(to Adrian Newey)
“Fingers and toes crossed?”
“We’ll just stand here with the trawler net out and see who’s coming through.”
“Quick word, Kimi? (Raikkonen’s reply is inaudible) Well, that was just one word! (more inaudible replies) Yeah, I know, but you won’t get fined or anything!”
“It’ll be dan dare on the brakes into the hairpins.”
“You’ll have to get up early in the morning to go round the outside of Fernando Alonso.”
“Of course, they’re all pre-loaded with fluids before the Grand Prix, so there’ll be a polite queue at the gents.”
(forming up after the first red flag)
“Seems to be going on forever, doesn’t it? Come on!”
“3 into 2 doesn’t go.”
“Look at Max. Butter wouldn’t melt in his mouth right now.”
(Perez waits for a lift)
“Can’t get an Uber when you need one, can you, look?”
“Max found more than a Red Bull-sized space down the inside.”
“It’s more like an obstacle course than a race track.”
(an inconclusive replay locating who some debris came off)
“It’s blown onto the track by itself, hasn’t it?”
“It’s kind of like “make it up as we go along”.”
(Hamilton does the fastest lap with a damaged front wing)
“They should put that front wing on next time.”
“It’s been a dirty race, hasn’t it?”
“21 amazing races into this season and it’s like we’re starting all over again.”
ABU DHABI
QUALIFYING
(to Raikkonen)
“You’re leaving us! Don’t you love us any more?”
(a poor camera cut)
“Quite a tricky little off-camber chicane we… nearly saw there.”
“Ocon was a day late and a dollar short.”
“Want to know what this feels like? Imagine laying down in a bath, flat out, and looking over the taps.”
(lock-up)
“It’s like a 50 pence piece now.”
“A lot of clever people with a lot of clever tools all coming up with the same answer.”
RACE
Simon: “In the 25 years you’ve been covering this sport, is this the finest season of them all?”
Martin: “Without doubt, yes.”
“What is it I say about opinions? Everybody’s got one.”
(to Usain Bolt)
“It’s 169 metres down to the first corner, your kind of territory.”
“We’ll have a look at the side of the cars… if we can get anywhere near them.”
(Stormzy grabs Martin’s microphone)
“If you don’t mind, I need that back.”
“Do you know what? I can’t even see a Formula One car, let alone a Formula One driver.”
(on the lap 1 incident)
“I used to call that motor racing.”
(Perez is told to hold up Hamilton)
“The regulations say a Formula One car must not be any wider than 2 metres…(!)”
(Raikkonen spins)
“It’s like pulling the handbrake on.”
“This is going to need a Michael Schumacher-esque 20 qualifying laps.”
“It’s like leaving your favourite chocolate in the box and then somebody throws the box away.”
“You couldn’t make it up, could you!?!?“
“What was Christian Horner saying to us? “The racing gods need to shine down on us.” Well, they absolutely did, didn’t they!?”
“Best season I’ve ever commentated on.”
“Herbie Blash was Charlie Whiting’s right hand man. Michael Masi needs more people around him.”
“Some people are saying “biff Michael Masi out” – who are you going to put in??”
(Jo Bauer, Martin…?)
“I’d like to crack a beer open and see what they come up with later on, to be honest.”
(a plane flies overhead in the post-race)
“Is that Michael Masi’s plane(?)”
“I hate him [Russell]! He’s so fast, good looking, and young!”
Nico: “Mercedes have a history of team mates crashing into each other, so it’s not an easy one.”
Martin: “Not since you left!”
“He [Raikkonen] never used two words when one would do.”
Simon: “Let’s go through our moments of the year. Martin?”
Martin: “I’m still breathing and I’m still employed.”