BAHRAIN
QUALIFYING
“I’m a whole lot more excited than I was a week ago after the test.”
“I interviewed Fernando on the grid at Abu Dhabi in 2018 and he did a great impression of a man who never wanted to drive a Formula One car again.”
“We talked about Ferrari – one’s slow, that’s not a good time, and one’s falling apart.”
(a close-up of the karting track)
“Honey, I shrunk the F1 cars.”
“Presumably some used tyres to stop the wheel rims from hitting the ground if they do a first run.”
“They look like they’re getting out of a submarine or something.”
RACE
“Naomi managed to use David Croft as a pinball to fire me off in pre-season karting.”
“I’ll tell you something Lance won’t be getting anywhere near with is those wheel guns, they’ll break your wrists again.”
“Look at the scallops on the sidepod. You could almost lay in there.”
“They fired me after about 9 months, so my career at McLaren was short.”
“On the basis of “if it looks right, it usually is right”… I’m sorry to say this, because there’s a mechanic looking at me! … I don’t think this is right.”
“Clarkson, shouldn’t you be planting turnips or something?”
“I was 6 when I started, so it’s whizzed by.”
“I remember a teardrop coming out of the corner of my eye once and hitting the visor, such was the retardation.”
“Fernando’s been saying in the media his teammate, the owner’s son, is world champion material, so if he watches turn four back he might have to retract that one.”
“That’s very Fernando, isn’t it? He drives everyone else’s car as well as his own.”
“As Hulkenberg does the fastest lap of the race in 18th place, bizarrely.”
“The front jack man nearly joined the race there for Red Bull.”
“That’s the front right and the rear right that’s had a whack on that Aston Martin, so they build them strong at Silverstone.”
“Vamos! […] Whichever bit of track you use, I’ll find another bit.”
“I remember interviewing Fernando on the grid at Abu Dhabi in 2018, doing a great impression of a guy who didn’t want to drive a Formula One car again.”
“He [Verstappen] must be sat there thinking “where is everybody, come on?””
Fernando Alonso: “This is a lovely car to drive.”
Martin: “Sold! To the man from Spain. Would you like it wrapped, or will you take it with you, sir?”
Martin: “Did you have money on a podium or a victory [for Alonso]?”
Crofty: “I might have had a few each way.”
Martin: “Ah! Beers are on you, then!”
“A Formula One car goes a very long way in 37 seconds.”
SAUDI ARABIA
QUALIFYING
“27 turns, as you pointed out. A Formula One car ignores a few of those.”
“It’s like pulling the handbrake on for him.”
(Sargeant gets a lap deleted for track limits)
“How do you do that at the final corner? There’s a wall on the outside!”
“He’s got his lucky underpants on or something, I can’t believe that didn’t go in the wall!”
(Crofty reads out a track limits memo)
“It’s a good job they tell the commentators these things(.) Why would we need to know that(?)”
“You could do what we used to do in the 80s, fill it up with oil and go out there and lay oil on the track for everyone else.”
RACE
Coming soon…
AUSTRALIA
Martin did not commentate in Australia; Jenson Button commentated instead.
AZERBAIJAN
Martin did not commentate in Azerbaijan; Karun Chandhok commentated instead.
MIAMI
QUALIFYING
“If you brake 5 metres too early, you may as well go home.”
“Oversteer city, that one.”
“Ambition way ahead of adhesion.”
“If you drive a car angry, it goes sideways or backwards, it does not go forwards.”
“That’s not consistent with gliding over the kerbs like a Rolls-Royce, or an old Citroen.”
Martin: “The car looks nimble through that Mickey Mouse chicane.”
[…]
Crofty: “I love it. I wondered when we’d get down to the opinion about the chicane. It was elongated; now it’s Mickey Mouse. You don’t like it at all, do you?”
Martin: “No, I do! I like to see the cars really working hard and the drivers finessing that, that sort of area, but yeah… I don’t know. It’s an old expression, isn’t it?”
“Russell just squeaked through. Somehow.”
RACE
“I found Paolo Banchero! I mean, I found him last year, I just didn’t get the name right.”
“I saw Roger Federer making his way down there, and Tom Cruise, although I was specifically told I’m not allowed to speak to Tom but… doesn’t usually stop us, does it?”
“There’s just so many people wandering down the middle who all think they’re famous and some of them very much are.”
“One of the Williams sisters there, but don’t think I can stand the rejection.”
Martin: “There’s Roger [Federer] there. Let me see if I can get underneath here – I guess that’s going to be a no, because even Sir Jackie is not allowed through there. You all right, Jackie?”
Sir Jackie Stewart: “Yeah, sure, no, wonderful. What a layout!”
Martin: “So I’m going to give Roger a shout. Roger! Roger! … Yeah, can you get in there, Jackie? Roger! You can’t beat up Sir Jackie Stewart, you really can’t! Jackie, don’t get yourself in trouble for me, for goodness sake! That’s, erm… Liam! (no reply) Max is through there with his ice pack. Yeah, I’ve only got 30 seconds anyway… yeah, and, er, I’ve got 20 seconds… 15… no… we’re out of time, unfortunately… (Roger comes over) oh, the fastest serve in your life!”
“You have to leave the attacking car one car’s with – and I always think it should be one car’s width and a bit.”
George Russell: “Thank you very much. Much appreciated.”
Crofty: “He’s a polite young man, isn’t he?”
Martin: “Brought up proper. Norfolk boy.”
Crofty: “They’re all raised well in Norfolk.”
(Mangussen cuts the chicane)
“Makes his own track up.”
“Good old Jackie, what is he, 83 or something, and there he was, fighting the security guards.”
Fernando Alonso: “Which position is Lance? Great move into Turn 1.”
[…]
Martin: “I’d love to know which diamond screen Fernando saw that on!”
“It’s alarming, isn’t it? […] You sense that wherever they start on the grid or in the pit lane, they’re still going to be right up the sharp end by the end of the Grand Prix.”
Crofty: “How disappointed will Sergio Perez be?”
Martin: “Very, I’d imagine.”
“You’ve got to wear a bit of a jazzy shirt here, haven’t you, otherwise you stand out.”
EMILIA ROMAGNA
The Emilia Romagna Grand Prix was cancelled due to flooding.
MONACO
QUALIFYING
“If you’re going to go into the wall here, fairly square on with your front wheels easily the best way.”
(a replay of Martin’s trackside segments from FP2)
“This is a zebra crossing that you wouldn’t want to take your chances on today.”
“The Everest of Formula One, in many respects.”
(re Hamilton to Ferrari rumours)
Naomi: “I know, Martin, you mentioned there might be a little bit of mischief behind who started that rumour or where it’s coming from.”
Simon: “I’m going to get it out of you!”
Naomi: “I don’t know if you can tell us who it is – tell us who it is, come on! Come on, Martin, all amongst friends here, come on.”
Martin: “No, no, you can’t give away your sources!”
Jenson: “Who’s going to be at Mercedes though?”
Martin: “Sorry?”
Jenson: “Are we going to dust off our boots, Martin?”
Martin: “Well, your boots, maybe!”
(Crofty throws to James Vowels, who doesn’t answer)
“Speechless, I think you’ll find.”
(Leclerc discusses track position with his team)
“Remarkably calm, wasn’t it? It was like “what shall we put on the TV this evening?””
“Make of that running order what you will, because I can’t make anything out of it, it’s all over the place!”
“They call that “under-rotation”. We call it a lock-up.”
(Lance Stroll misses the weighbridge, prompting Martin to recall Monaco 1991 again…)
“I’m sure I’ve bored you with it before: in 1991 I was sent home for doing that despite Nigel Mansell having run over the flagman’s foot and he’d gone and there was no flag to tell us to do that… I got sent home.”
“Do not follow the white line. You will crash.”
“The back of the Mercedes definitely looks like it’s connected to the steering wheel.”
Chris Chronin: “Currently P1.”
Fernando Alonso: “Good, mate. I am pushing like an animal, mate!”
Chris Chronin: “I can see!”
Martin: “That sort of sums his life up really, doesn’t it?”
“Don’t ever tell me Formula One has outgrown Monaco. This is brilliant stuff.”
RACE
Coming soon…
SPAIN
QUALIFYING
Coming soon…
RACE
“Hello everybody. Hope your roast Sunday lunch was amazing.”
(after interviewing Ben Chilwell)
“Mason [Mount], he said you’re going to Manchester United(!)”
“I might just stand in one place.”
“I’ve been up and down this grid more than I was when I was racing, I think.”
“You’ve got Max Verstappen out front, going “come on guys, if I go any slower, I’ll have to stop.””
“The German, the Chinaman, the Man from Japan… the man from Finland isn’t too far back either. Very cosmopolitan race.”
“Bordering on a day late and a dollar short, that defence.”
George Russell: “Rain at Turn 5.”
Martin: “That’s out of the blue… it’s not out of the blue, it’s out of the grey.”
(after Russell diagnoses the rain as sweat)
“Thought it would be Cologne, George.”
Carlos Sainz: “Find the best way to beat Checo.”
[…]
Martin: “Best way to beat Checo is to hire Adrian Newey.”
“Sounds like bolts in a biscuit tin.”
(to Bradley Lord)
“George was obviously disappointed in your lack of enthusiasm for his overtake down into turn one. Have you guys put a pit board out saying “you’re amazing”?”
CANADA
QUALIFYING
Coming soon…
RACE
“A very lenient phase of the race from the stewards.”
Xavier Marcos: “Sainz will not attack you.”
[…]
Martin: “I know they do things differently in continental Europe, but wouldn’t you call him Carlos?”
“George Russell had a sizeable accident and a long pit stop under the safety car. He’s about to be in the points.”
“Fairly strong message there to Carlos Sainz – or “Sainz” as they call him now.”
“Go on, Sainz! Attack him! Go on! Give us some fun!”
“These things don’t grip too well when they’re in the air.”
Martin: “Alex Albon, driver of the day. It’s a fan vote.”
Crofty: “I’m not going to argue with that.”
“Max’s manager. Wouldn’t mind being a pound behind him.”
“What a podium. Verstappen, Alonso, Hamilton, Newey.”
AUSTRIA
Martin did not commentate in Austria; Anthony Davidson commentated instead.
UNITED KINGDOM
QUALIFYING
Coming soon…
RACE
Simon: “Is that [Williams FW14B] one of the ones you’ve driven?“
Martin: “Yeah, I hate that car. I’ve never driven it but I spent the whole year chasing it in my Benetton with Michael Schumacher.”
(Australia win the F1 Ashes)
“Oscar had an advantage there though, he could play cricket. Lando looked like he had never picked up a bat before.”
(a clip of Martin wearing Norris’s bucket hat)
“Now you know why I’m not wearing it today.”
Martin: “You haven’t hit anything hard yet then?”
Brad Pitt: “Only my ego.”
(discussing a cameo in Pitt’s film)
“It’ll probably be me chatting to someone famous and getting ignored.”
“I’m really sorry to interrupt… I’m not that sorry, otherwise I wouldn’t have done it.”
(to Sir Jackie Stewart)
“Can you get me a President or a Prime Minister or something, because you’re quite good at getting people for me on the grid?”
“We’ll see if we can… just stand in the way.”
Pep Guardiola: “Good luck.”
Martin: “Thank you. I need it. I need lots of luck today!”
“My microphone got involved in the man hug, but I’m hopeless at man hugs anyway.”
(after Sam Ryder discusses McLaren upgrades with Martin)
“I think you’d take my job if you wanted to.”
“”See ya, wouldn’t want to be ya,” says Max.”
“I don’t know what Dutch is for “light drizzle” but I imagine it sounds much more aggressive than our English version.”
“I think you’re going to see two of the widest McLarens ever known.”
“Good job the safety car’s not exposed to track limits.”
“Williams slices past Ferrari inside the top 10? Long time since we’ve said that!”
(McLaren’s “papaya” colours)
“Thank goodness it’s not tangarine or satsuma or something.”
HUNGARY
QUALIFYING
Coming soon…
RACE
“Terry Crews […] they told me I’d recognise you.”
Martin: “Carlito! Carlos! All good?”
Carlos Sainz: “What did you call me!?”
“That was the skittles that we so often see in the first corner here.”
Will Joseph: “Maximum pace to target lap.”
[…]
Martin: “McLaren’s equivalent of hammer time, isn’t it?”
(Leclerc slow stop)
“Come on Ferrari, these are the basics, these are the fundamentals. They’re not tip top at the moment, but you can’t afford to be making these errors.”
“I don’t like that graphic above the cars, highlighting the car. I want to see the car on the track!”
“Mr Grumpy suddenly very happy.”
BELGIUM
QUALIFYING
(following the news Alan Permane has been sacked by Alpine)
“Alan [Permane], whatever I was doing in Formula One, I’d be happy for him to do in my team.”
“British drivers, and actually Japanese drivers, I think, always seem to excel. Probably because we race in the rain.”
“Oscar Piastri looking like he could deliver the first decent slick lap… and he doesn’t.”
SPRINT SHOOTOUT
Coming soon…
SPRINT
(the start is delayed)
“Doesn’t get dark until half past nine, so we’re OK.”
“This is a weird weekend even by Spa’s standards.”
“I wonder how Gunther’s describing the weather today?”
(why wasn’t the track declared wet in the sprint shootout?)
“I’ve had it explained to me carefully and I do understand it, but I really can’t be bothered to relay it, because it’s not in the slightest bit interesting.”
RACE
“I’m looking down on the grid from the other side of the track, wondering how I ever find anybody on the gridwalk.”
(Martin interviews a fan in French)
“Gasly and Ocon, we’re cheering for there, in my terrible French.”
Fan: “I don’t understand what you say.”
Martin: “I don’t think I do either.”
“In these conditions, McLaren were always going to be moving chicanes down the straights.”
“The only time Hulkenberg’s seen the pits today was the start of the race.”
(Verstappen argues with Lambiase for the third time this weekend)
“They describe their relationship as a bit like a married couple, but they’re having a few tiffs this weekend.”
“As always, be on the right tyre at the right time.”
ITALY
QUALIFYING
Coming soon…
RACE
“These look like leaf blowers you could buy down at the hardware store.”
(on the grid)
“This looks almost like an intensive care unit as you’re keeping this car alive.”
“Lewis said none of Max’s teammates were as good as any of his teammates, but Carlos Sainz was one of his teammates at Toro Rosso.”
Max Verstappen: “He’s [Sainz] sliding a bit, so it’s all OK.”
[…]
Martin: “Can we delete that message please? I don’t want to hear that!”
Riccardo Musconi: “George, suggest more management turn 6, turn 6.”
George Russell: “I don’t know if you can see but I have a car right up my arse.”
Martin: “It’s not going to mean personnel management, is it?”
“The Spanish armada out front.”
“Unless he was referring to the brake pedal, he didn’t push him off.”
(Verstappen sails past Hamilton)
“What a difference two years makes.”
“Lewis sounds like he’s having one of his grumpy days.”
Xavier Marcos: “No risk. Race until the end. No risk.”
Martin: “Contradiction in terms.”
SINGAPORE
QUALIFYING
Coming soon…
RACE
“In the past, there’s always been a safety car, but a quarter of them have been in the four corners that no longer exist.”
(to Christian Horner)
“Did you need a map to get this far down the grid?”
(to Gunther Steiner)
“I asked Christian Horner what went wrong, I’m asking you what went right!”
“A filler in a Haas sandwich, as it were.”
“Was it Alain Prost who said the objective was always to win the race at the slowest possible pace?”
“You need a calendar to time them at the moment rather than a stopwatch.”
Crofty: “If the Aston Martin, Martin, was just a little bit faster down the straight, it would be ahead of the Red Bull.”
Martin: “It would. If it were even faster than that, it would be leading the race.”
“He locked the rear axle, like pulling the handbrake on. Assuming your handbrake’s on your rear wheels, of course.”
“Brilliant teamwork between Sainz and Norris and they’re not even in the same team.”
Crofty: “Once again, Martin Brundle, I am forever in your debt.”
Martin: “I’ll write that one down.”
JAPAN
Martin did not commentate in Japan; Anthony Davidson commentated instead.
QATAR
Martin did not commentate in Qatar; Karun Chandhok commentated instead.
UNITED STATES
QUALIFYING
(track limits)
“There are some interesting examples around the world. Barriers in Monaco, for instance.”
“I think a racetrack should be like a racetrack, all sorts of imperfections and not like a billiard table.”
“He [Verstappen] just seems to waltz out normally, put it on pole, and just disappear.”
“Same compound, same manufacturer, but new tyres opposed to ones which have done a massive 20 kilometres.”
“He’s a specialist here… he’s a specialist everywhere, isn’t he, Lewis Hamilton?”
Crofty: “We’ve got two Red Bulls, two Ferraris, two Mercedes, both Alpines, and both McLarens in Q3.”
Martin: “Noah would be proud of them.”
Max Verstappen: “Well done. Well fucking done there! What the fuck was that in the last corner?”
Crofty: “What was that in the last corner?”
Martin: “His teammate!”
SPRINT SHOOTOUT
“Just have a look at IndyCar here in 2019, when the drivers were allowed to make their own track up, it was ridiculous.”
(a Williams mechanic indicates not to release the car)
“The power of the hand.”
“Do you think Alonso would let you out at a T-junction in the traffic?”
(the camera cuts out into a blue screen)
Martin: “And he… hello?”
Crofty: “He’s got the blues, George Russell.”
SPRINT
(track limits)
“If a footballer goes “ref, I hit the post, I hit the bar”, “tell what then, we’ll make the goalposts a bit bigger, and you’ll be all right.””
“I reckon 99.9% of us, if we could steer these things, would be absolutely finished in 3 laps.”
(Russell battles Sainz for 6th)
Martin: “Sainz will remember being tipped around here last year.”
Crofty: “Really? By whom(?)”
Martin: ““Mr Russell”, as he’s referred to around here.”
“We have had some great sprints this year but this is not one of them.”
“He [Verstappen] must think “come on, come on, where are you all? Any slower and I’ll stop!””
RACE
“They kind of saw drivers a bit like lightbulbs back then: one went out, you put another one in.”
“In the blue corner, two-time Champion of the World, Anthony… Joshua! I’ve always wanted to do that, properly. He’s talking to an astronaut at the moment. […] I’m not going to argue with him, obviously.”
[…]
“Rory [McIlroy] was teaching the drivers how to play golf; are you going to get them in the ring?”
[…]
“I’d love to go in the ring, walk towards you, you go to punch me, and stop there!”
(to Rory McIlroy)
“Congratulations on the Ryder Cup. You were even parading it around here in America, which is brave.”
“Young Oscar is coming along. I managed to lose him last time. […] Oscar, quick chat? I’ll stick with it this time.”
“Poor old George, he’s barely been out there without getting a penalty this weekend.”
“He’s [Ocon] obviously got a hole in the side, as if Anthony Joshua had punched it.”
“Possession’s nine tenths of the law.”
Martin: “He was a day late and a dollar short on that defence.”
[…]
Crofty: “There’s something rather fitting about “a day late and a dollar short” in the United States, and I was hoping you wouldn’t let me down on that one, and you didn’t.”
(Hamilton does the fastest lap)
“I think that’s what we used to call “Hammer time”.”
Martin: “Magnussen’s not the kind of guy you’d want to mistakenly pick his beer up in the bar.”
[..]
Crofty: “He’d let you have his beer after a while!”
Martin: “Yeah – on your head!”
“You’re out of parc fermé conditions, of course, as soon as the race starts, not that you’re going to be changing a lot of parts.”
(Verstappen starts catching Norris)
“You know that horrible dream when you’re in a tunnel and somebody’s catching you?”
“Can Mercedes, can McLaren, get to the end of the race? Will they be slower than a slow thing if they do?”
Carlos Sainz: “I see Norris is slow, no?”
Riccardo Adami: “He is. One second slower than us. Push.”
Martin: “I love it. His golfing partner; “I see he’s slow, good!””
(Verstappen has braking issues)
“Sounds like he’s Fred Flinstone with his feet out the bottom slowing it down.”
“Verstappen, if it was a one-car team, would still be 112 points ahead in the Constructors’ Championship.”
MEXICO CITY
QUALIFYING
(Verstappen and Russell are being investigated for blocking the pit lane exit)
“In the Rugby World Cup final, it’s as if the All Blacks got to the end of the tunnel and stopped the others from coming out.”
“Who’d ever want to be a referee, in any sport?”
“Try and save a little bit of tyre here whilst going flat out somehow.”
“In case you’ve just joined us, three of these ten are under investigation. […] One for going too fast, and the others for going too slowly.”
(kerb cam)
“Lovely shot. I duck every time I see that camera angle.”
“Only now they can scratch their heads, now they’ve got their helmets off.”
RACE
“It’s 811 metres down to turn one. I stepped that last night… or I read the very detailed information Mercedes gave to me.”
“One of the most bizarre qualifying sessions I’ve ever commentated on. […] Alex Albon, it was like the bottom had fallen out of his car or something.”
(Piastri has some paper stuck in his floor)
“I hope it’s a cheque that’s flown into his car.”
““Mate” is a term you use to describe your engineer when you’re not angry.”
Crofty: “I still think there’s a very good chance of him [Verstappen] exiting that corner [Mansell Turn] at the end of 71 laps to take win number 16 of this season, which, if you add to the 15 wins of last season, would give him 31 wins in the last two seasons, the same number of wins as Nigel Mansell’s career total.”
Martin: “Might be old commentators’ curse there, Crofty!”
(if only!)
(another Ferrari strategy disasterclass)
“The way that Verstappen breezed past them was a bit of a clue.”
“Wherever you brake, Charles, I’m going to brake a metre later.”
“Piastri very lucky not to be facing the way he just came from.”
“It’s not over until the chequered flag drops and they hand the World Championship points out.”
“I once sat on the grid here in a red flag in a Brabham and I heard a fretzel going and they were cutting holes in my airbox whilst I was sitting in the car.”
(Piastri is told to let Norris past)
“I think Piastri will decide he suddenly speaks Italian or something.”
Crofty: “I have no idea how the driver of the day vote is going, but I imagine Lando Norris is gathering a fairly large percentage at the moment.”
Martin: “He normally wins anyway, doesn’t he?”
“As the great Murray Walker used to say, catching is one thing, getting past is quite another.”
“Sometimes Lando looks like butter wouldn’t melt in his mouth.”
(still on driver of the day)
“I’ve never voted, actually, have you voted? Don’t know how to!”
“Patience hasn’t been Norris’s virtue today, has it? He just turns up and gets the job done.”
SAO PAULO
QUALIFYING
“He went for gold in his home race last weekend and got some rusty old tin.”
“I’m not generally a fan of naming straights after legendary drivers. Anyone can drive those flat out.”
(the track is being swept, so qualifying is delayed)
“We seem to be relying on Trigger’s broom and elbow grease, which is a bit surprising.”
[…]
“Maybe we’re just waiting for the rain.”
“The worst sprint race in the last three seasons is significantly better than the best Free Practice Two session.”
(Albon goes 4th)
“The fox amongst the chickens!”
“Throws it in, gets on the loud pedal, and the rear tyres say “you’re having a laugh, I can’t do that!””
“In 1996 we stayed out on wets because it looked like it was going to rain… for about 25 laps!”
“It rained like this in Hockenheim. The tunnel filled with water. You had to swim back to the paddock.”
“Lando’s British. He’s got waterproof skin, like everybody else.”
“I did say it was going to be a biblical storm, I didn’t expect it to be quite that biblical.”
SPRINT SHOOTOUT
Coming soon…
SPRINT
“He wasn’t quite ready for a… what does Daniel say? “Lick the stamp and send it.””
“I still think this is a whole lot more interesting than Free Practice Two.”
“You’ve got to leave a car’s width, I think that was a Mini Cooper from the 1960s, that “car’s width”.”
“He [Alonso] saw an Alpine twitching in turn three – one of those wiped him out this morning!”
(onboard as Ricciardo goes wide at turn eight)
“Whoops.”
“Lewis looked like he was on ice coming out of the final corner.”
“I don’t know why Max is so negative about sprints. He loves racing.”
RACE
Simon: “When was your first topless photo?”
[…]
Martin: “Make it now!”
Karun: “Nobody at home needs to see that. There’d be an Ofcom complaint.”
“Balloons out and away we go, as Crofty might say.”
“Pat Fry there from Alpine, now from Williams.’
Martin: “Tell us about your career.”
Machine Gun Kelly: “I don’t think about my career.”
[…]
Martin: “Something tells me I won’t be on his Christmas card list.”
“They won’t get the rear wing open for two laps, of course – provided they get that far.”
“I think Max will be saying “help yourself, Lando, you can slither around in my slipstream as much as you want.””
“His teammate, or team enemy, or whatever you like to call him…”
“Welcome back, Sergio Perez.”
“And there is a Williams… a McLaren… sorry, what is that? A Mercedes. […] Come back Murray, all is forgiven.”
“Anger never makes you go forwards, it always makes you go sideways or backwards.”
“George is making a great point there in silence.”
“It’s like got a parachute out the back of that works Mercedes.”
“Verstappen with another point. He’s so greedy with points, isn’t he? How many points does one driver need?”
(onboard with the tilting camera)
“Not sure cars tip in to corners like that. They certainly don’t tip out like that.”
(Machine Gun Kelly has left the circuit)
“I do hope I didn’t upset him!”
Crofty: “That wasn’t Hammertime, was it?”
Martin: “I think it was a toffee hammer.”
“The hard tyre looked like it was only useful to keep the wheel rims off the ground.”
(Driver of the day vote has Norris, Perez, and Alonso leading)
“So the bloke out front doesn’t even get a look in then?”
“You’d be surprised if there wasn’t a new record at a Grand Prix at the moment.”
LAS VEGAS
QUALIFYING
“The tyre came off like a polo mint.”
“A racetrack is often a living, breathing thing.”
“Max, all weekend, has been “happy to be here, Max?”; “No.”; “Do you like the track?”; “No.””
(Piastri kisses the wall)
Martin: “Bit of an Elvis “Kiss Me Tender” that one, wasn’t it?”
Crofty: “I knew you’d get an Elvis reference in somewhere.”
“He’s [Bottas] been going quite well since he did that naked calendar that’s appeared. I haven’t looked through it. He didn’t send me one, sadly.”
Max Verstappen: “That was close!”
Martin: “A miss is as good as a mile.”
RACE
“Nothing else has been out on this track, apart from a few thousand cars down the strip.”
“I’ve no idea what’s going to happen this evening. Whatever happens, it’s going to be your fault, because if it’s not your fault it’s my fault, and I’ve got into enough trouble.”
“I saw Usain Bolt down here, but I can’t catch up with him.”
(no pun intended?)
(to a mechanic)
“Have you got any drivers around here? What have you done with them?”
“I’m a little bit surprised Max is still at the venue, he’s moaned and groaned about everything.”
Martin: “I’ve actually got an extra long cable on my microphone tonight in case I’m anywhere near him [Shaquille O’Neill]. Shaq, just a quick word? Good to see you on the grid! I don’t think he’s up for it. Aw, I’ve wasted my long microphone cable. […] Sir, thank you for coming to have a chat with us. How are you doing?”
Shaquille O’Neill: “Lewis Hamilton, baby.”
Martin: “OK, well, there you go. That’s all you need to say: “Lewis Hamilton, baby”. That will cover it. I’ve had a long television career.”
“Let’s have a Marty’s Random Person… excuse me? … I’ve never been turned down on a Marty’s Random Person before!”
Martin: “Lot of energy down here!”
Kylie Minogue: “Yeah. How are you coping?”
Martin: “Badly!”
“Around comes Fernando out of control, so we’ll give him another little love tap just to let him know we’re not pleased with that.”
“There’s a saying in motor sport: safety cars make safety cars.”
“I always imagine when Alonso is driving, his teeth are gritted, he’s got a knife between his teeth.”
“That from Piastri was a Ricciardo-like outbraking manoeuvre. I think the Aussies are like “brake now… 2… 3” and then hit the brakes.”
“The dice have gone back into a bag, been shaken up, and thrown out again.”
“Word of the day: kerfuffle.”
Crofty: “I’m told Justin Bieber is going to be waving the chequered flag this evening, which is music to your ears, I’m sure.”
Martin: “It is. My life is complete.”
“First time Max has been happy this weekend.”
(the drivers are driven to the podium)
“He’s just had a five-second penalty, the engineer, he’s just been kicked out.”
“I’m staying in that Bellagio and I got lost trying to find my way out of it. It’s a 10-minute walk to reception.”
ABU DHABI
QUALIFYING
“Formula One fireproof gloves, they’re no more fun to put on than a lot of gloves.”
Crofty: “Q2 has started.”
Martin: “See what he did there? Queue 2? Queue in the pit lane? You’re so funny you don’t even realise!”
(Alonso barges his way into the pit queue)
“Everybody lets you in when you’re driving an Aston Martin.”
“It’s Fernando Alonso, who’d want to argue with him?”
RACE
“Ferrari sometimes step on their own tail, don’t they?”
(Mercedes)
“If we had a go in that car, we’d think it’s Starship Enterprise, we’d think it was the finest car we’d ever walked past, let alone driven. But the stopwatch never lies.”
“I think I saw the Hemsworth brothers wandering down. I don’t want to talk to them because they’re way, way too good-looking.”
Martin: “Martin Brundle, Sky F1.”
Tommy Fleetwood: “The intimidating figure!”
Martin: “Is that right? Am I intimidating? Oh dear, oh dear!”
“I really thought he’d got that done, and so did he. But Max did a wall of death around the outside.”
“Might be slower than a slow thing down the straights according to Fernando Alonso, but decent overall lap time.”
“Lewis must think there’s 10 Alpines in this race.”
Xavier Marcos: “Just a reminder we have two strikes for track limits.”
Charles Leclerc: “Yeah, I know.”
Xavier Marcos: “Understood.”
Martin: “”Tell me something I don’t know!””
“He’ll be all over him like a bad suit.”
(Verstappen does doughnuts)
“That’s what you call “thermal degradation” on those tyres.”