(Please note – all quotes from 2012-17 are from races only.)
AUSTRALIA
Crofty: “If he [Ricciardo] does start from the pit lane, he can do something from there.”
Martin: “I’m not sure to be honest, I think he was in for a difficult time starting down in 15th!”
“These wide tyres look so right, don’t they, especially with a rear-view shot. Properly Formula One.”
(to Christian Horner, on Ricciardo, who is 2 laps down)
“You could get a couple of safety cars in the last 10 laps if they start running out of brakes or something, but I guess his best bet is to tip a couple of them into the wall as he’s coming through.”
(Ricciardo breaks down)
“If Ricciardo didn’t have bad luck, he’d have no luck at all this weekend. […] Don’t imagine it’ll need a safety car, but the irony is he was the man who needed a safety car the most!”
“As ever, whatever he’s given, Alonso drives the wheels off the thing.”
(Verstappen kicks the tail out)
“Oops […] you can tell he doesn’t pay for the tyres.”
(after Martin misdiagnoses a problem for Perez)
“Actually, I’m talking rubbish, of course.”
“Catching is one thing, passing is quite another.”
(Crofty colour-coordinates the McLaren, Force India, and Renault)
“Sounds like jelly at a party, that one.”
“Just the tonic Formula One needed.”
“It’s going to be amusing shortly, because good old multi 21 scenario, his [Vettel’s] ex-teammate, Mark Webber, is going to be doing the interviews today.”
CHINA
“It’s going to be like a skating rink with olive oil on top.”
(Giovinazzi crashes for the second time in two days)
“He’s turned out to be rather expensive, hasn’t he?”
(Verstappen has a great start)
“Like a video game, isn’t it?”
(Sainz gets passed off the line)
“Bye-bye, everybody!”
(Vettel behind Raikkonen)
“Are we going to have a “get him out of the way” comment on the radio?”
“You can tell the drivers don’t pay for the tyres, can’t you, otherwise they’d be– I think these’d be fine for Bahrain as well! Take them as hand luggage!”
“Grosjean choosing any which side he wanted there.”
(Hamilton pits)
“Barely stopped moving, did it?”
“Bit of an irony that Raikkonen, the man most asking for new tyres, hasn’t been called in yet.”
Martin: “He’s [Verstappen] actually been voted Driver of the Day today, so he’s beaten you on that vote today.”
Lewis Hamilton: “That’s OK, I don’t mind being on the top step!”
(to Sebastian Vettel)
“Any racing driver in the history of Formula One would like those [overtaking] moves on his CV!”
Martin: “Like a video game for you!”
Max Verstappen: (nonchalantly) “More or less.”
BAHRAIN
“Bottas was defending fresh air.”
“The front wing hanging out there like a venetian blind that’s been put in the wrong place.”
“You get a parking ticket that far off the racetrack.”
Tony Ross: “So getting a little bit of overheating now, but not significant.”
Martin: “Of what?”
Crofty: “Tyres? Brakes? … The collar? Who knows, quite frankly?”
Martin: “Armpit?”
“The mirrors are about as useful as an ashtray on a motorbike.”
Ted: “… it’s just a two-stop for Lewis as well, Martin, but with an offset strategy of running the soft in the middle stint and then the supersoft later on?”
Martin: “Don’t know! That’s why we watch live sport live, isn’t it?”
Martin: “Still a great job there from Felipe Massa […] he thought he was going to be eating Easter eggs today, didn’t he?”
[…]
Crofty: “Egg-cellent news for us, and I’ve been trying to get that pun in all day.”
Martin: “I’ll tee ’em up, you knock ’em over!”
[…]
Crofty: “Choc-full of excitement, this race, and now I stop.”
“As far as he’s [Alonso] concerned, it [the Honda engine] wouldn’t pull the skin off a rice pudding.”
“That wasn’t really an overtake from Kvyat, it was more of a mugging. […] It was brave from Daniil Kvyat, that’s for sure. Or he missed his braking point. I’m not sure which.”
“Jolyon keeps opening that door, and Kvyat keeps walking through it with his elbows completely out.”
“Good camera that, it’s on a boom. I talked about the guy out there with biceps like a boxer working that!”
“It’s a good job he’s [Hamilton] got the reactions of a cat.”
Martin: “A tortoise would get past Alonso, so that shouldn’t be a problem.”
[…]
Crofty: “It’s been a turtle disaster, hasn’t it, for Alonso this season?”
Martin: “It’s getting worse, Crofty, it’s getting worse…”
(later, as Vettel doesn’t lap Alonso down the straight)
“What was I saying about passing the McLaren easily? Talking rubbish. He must have it cranked right up!”
(Alonso goes slowly)
“Anybody know where a fuel station is? […] “Fill her up, mate, and I’ll take a Twix and a Mars bar, please.””
RUSSIA
“Dark and desperate days for McLaren Honda, you know, when your driver’s, almost certainly, hoping he’s got an early slot at the airport and a restaurant booked somewhere in Europe this evening.”
“We’re certainly not at altitude, because I can see the sea out of the window.”
(following a monologue on cooling vs drag)
“You start opening up the sidepods and the brake ducts, they’re like big dustbins going down through the air.”
“Lewis is not exactly staring at someone’s gearboxes, is he? In fact, he’s staring– he could be on a test day, looking at that view.”
(replay of Ricciardo’s brake failure)
Martin: “Cake tin, as it’s called, not looking at all happy.”
Crofty: “It’s a cake tin that Delia Smith wouldn’t be overly proud of. Looks a bit charred.”
Martin: “Mr Kipling either!”
“Very much abusing track limits on the exit of [turn] three there, but nobody seems to care about that particular one.”
“Isn’t it incredible? Just like when there are walls at Monaco […] when there’s a penalty for going wide at turn two… nobody goes wide at turn two! As if there was a wall there.”
“They’re running up to 1200 on the track. Centigr– er, Celsius. Apparently it isn’t Centigrade, I saw on Twitter yesterday. They’ll be telling me it’s not furlongs soon.”
“Turn 13, unlucky for some… I sound like a bingo caller there, don’t I?”
“… which again makes you wonder why they didn’t throw a set on this little baby [Vettel]. […] Car, not the driver, I’m talking about.”
“Hello? We’re not renting that bit of the track, Sebastian.”
(Raikkonen runs off line)
“He’s a long way out there, isn’t he? Looking at the wrong sat nav or something.”
Crofty: “Looks almost bashful, doesn’t he [Bottas]?”
Martin: “He does. A bit like when he was in the hot tub with Ted earlier on in the programme!”
Crofty: “Ted is going to take the full credit for this!”
Crofty: “Driver of the Day: Valtteri Bottas. Fair play.”
Martin: “Had to be.”
“How do Finns do it? They’re such a small country. They win World Rally Championships, they win Formula One Championships and races…”
SPAIN
“You’ve got the DRS, which has been less effective this year, to the satisfaction of many, it must be said.”
“Somewhere between bob hope and no hope of getting around the outside of Turn 3.”
“There’s not an awful lot of Finns in the world, but sadly two of them bumped into each other at the first corner.”
Pete Bonnington: “Give us a balance check when you can.”
Lewis Hamilton: “All OK.”
Martin: “£15.75.”
(Ericsson passes Alonso)
“That’s going to please Fernando Alonso as much as a toothache on a wet Monday morning.”
“Bono must want to clip him [Hamilton] round the ear sometimes.”
Crofty: “Valtteri Bottas is coming in for a stop here behind the virtual safety car.”
Martin: “He forgot to go in the pit lane, then.”
“Ricciardo does the fastest lap of the Grand Prix for Red Bull. Where did that come from?”
(a Ferrari-supporting child cried after the first lap, so Ferrari invited him into the paddock)
“Cue 1,000 people crying in the crowd at Silverstone!”
Driver of the Day
“That little lad who managed to drive into the paddock somehow!”
“That’s just a message to Vettel [from Hamilton]: “turn your engine down, mate, you ain’t getting anywhere near me now.””
(Magnussen bumps past Kvyat and gets himself a puncture)
“Looked like getting on the London tube at rush hour, that did.”
MONACO
“He [Button] can’t even do something clever from the pit lane, with some wooden tyres.”
Crofty: “And the soft tyre, well, no one needs that one, quite frankly.”
Martin: “Yeah, that’s a travel tyre, or something to make a coffee table out of.”
Fernando Alonso: “Take care of my car.”
Jenson Button: “OK, I’m going to pee in your seat!”
[…]
Crofty: “That’s the quote of the season!”
Martin: “”And thanks for the bag of bits you left as an engine that’s making me start in the pit lane!””
“Mark [Hughes] here to my right, our third man in the commentary box, has bet everybody some curries that Ferrari won’t swap their drivers around.”
“A second child last week born for Kimi Raikkonen and his lovely wife. Obviously changing nappies and all the things he’s been doing has given him a second lease of life, hasn’t it?”
“I think the tyres could do next year’s race as well.”
Marcus Ericsson: “Every time I push I almost go in the wall. So difficult to drive this car. No grip.”
[…]
Martin: “Unless they can wave a magic wand at it as they pass the pits, there’s not a lot they can do.”
“Wouldn’t pass an MOT, would it, that rear tail fin wandering around like that? […] If it looks right, it is right, and that doesn’t look right. But they are running 1 and 2, so something’s working.”
(Verstappen fails to undercut Bottas)
“Cue some Dutch or possibly English swear words in the cockpit.”
(Vettel laps quickly during the pit stop window)
“I feel a free curry coming on.”
“I said in the pre-show they’ll have to find a way to massage Vettel past Raikkonen, and that was a… “massage”, do you not think? […] I dollied you up for a one-liner, there, Crofty, and you didn’t take it!”
Martin: “Just reading my Twitter feed @MBrundleF1, and it appears not to have gone down too well.”
Crofty: “What, your Twitter feed?”
“I think your jacket would look better hanging off the back of a Mercedes than a Ferrari.”
(Wehrlein blocks Perez)
“At some point you’ve got to turn into the chicane. You can’t just vanish.”
“That’s not a good phase for Sauber, is it? One took a bite out of the wall, the other’s leaning up against it.”
Riccardo Adami: “Master of Monaco.”
[…]
Crofty: “When did they come to that realisation? During this race or some time late last night?”
Martin: “Controversial, Mr Croft.”
(Raikkonen is told to wait before going onto the podium)
Crofty: “Wouldn’t even let him up the stairs.”
Martin: “One at a time. A bit like the race.”
(a disconsolate Raikkonen gets the 2nd place trophy)
“That might end up in the harbour.”
“Some time later that day, somebody will do an interview, I think. […] It’s about now last year when I was running down there to do this. […] Can’t get the staff these days.”
CANADA
Coming soon…
AZERBAIJAN
Coming soon…
AUSTRIA
Coming soon…
UNITED KINGDOM
Martin did not commentate on this race; Paul Di Resta commentated instead.
HUNGARY
Martin did not commentate on this race; Anthony Davidson commentated instead.
BELGIUM
Coming soon…
ITALY
Coming soon…
SINGAPORE
Coming soon…
MALAYSIA
Coming soon…
JAPAN
Coming soon…
UNITED STATES
Coming soon…
MEXICO
Coming soon…
BRAZIL
Coming soon…
ABU DHABI
Coming soon…